Of and running

Well it has been way to long for this. Entry seriously overdue.

   Things have been riding along as usual. Well for a time anyway.

Shingles, Yup that is it. The doctor tells me. Down for 2 and half weeks with my left eye shut for over 6 days. The best part of it( if you can call it that)was that it looked "COOL" to the neighborhood kids on Halloween. The scabs dropped off and I may wind up with a few scares but it looks as though it will not be a permanent thing.

  The few weeks that I was "out" of it for work. I am of course at home doing the Domestic thing. I became aware of some things such as Tom enjoying it when I am gone. People showing up, calling, and phone numbers for people around the house. These numbers show up on the caller I.D when I am gone. I could very easily check his e-mail if I wanted, but that is not my nature and would not be right. It has left me with wondering and wanting. The other night a car pulled in the drive way. A "friend"of Toms' . Well I was on the way out the door and he went in. When I got back from my errand, he was horny as hell. Turns out his friend could not function well, so He turned to me. Nice, I am now an after thought. YEA!  I wish I knew what to think or do. I am feeling left behind. Right now the best way I know how to cope is to live as though we share a house. So far it has helped me keep my sanity. I love him more than I can say. I just wish he would tell me what the hell is going on!

   I have to be fair in that he had been going through a personal hell right now. The Neuropathy has been getting worse and has led to Vertigo. He falls a lot and is wondering how long he can keep working in his present position. A genuine concern.

   It is with hope that I hold to he will eventually lean on me instead of trying to stand alone. Who knows.

 Well with me gone now for already 4 days, and another 6 to go. I hope this lets him have time to get it together. We shall see

Let the house fall

Boy want to see a house fall apart and quick? Let the person who actually runs it get sick. Seems a good case of Shingles has brought this to bear. Last week early, a headache became the shingles that now dominates my face on the left. Rendering my left eye useless and the right not much better. In the past 9 day, no food has been bought, coffee, etc etc etc. Not only am I gong nuts because I cannot<SPAN class=spell id=sp-9 title="undefined to, out" style="PADDING-RIGHT: 2px; BACKGROUND-POSITION: left bottom; PADDING-LEFT: 2px; BACKGROUND-IMAGE: url(http://sdk.webmail.aol.com/sdk/20051001/images/bg_spellingErr.gif); PADDING-BOTTOM: 2px; CURSOR: pointer; COLOR: black; PADDING-TOP: 2px; BACKGROUND-REPEAT: repeat-x; BACKGROUND-COLOR: yellow" _backupTitle="null"> work(today the first I can even see the computer well) I feel frustrated that I am going to have to hire a cab and Finally get done what I need to do because I cannot<SPAN class=spell id=sp-11 title="undefined to, out" style="PADDING-RIGHT: 2px; BACKGROUND-POSITION: left bottom; PADDING-LEFT: 2px; BACKGROUND-IMAGE: url(http://sdk.webmail.aol.com/sdk/20051001/images/bg_spellingErr.gif); PADDING-BOTTOM: 2px; CURSOR: pointer; COLOR: black; PADDING-TOP: 2px; BACKGROUND-REPEAT: repeat-x; BACKGROUND-COLOR: yellow" _backupTitle="null"> get done things otherwise. As it is I am going out in a bit to walk to my Mom and Dad's house and hit there food stores for a day or two.  I do this because they called and mentioned it may be a while before they return from up North. So clean put the house of stores. Would not be so bad if the Old Publix was still open could walk to that and back no problem. They were open when the AIDS thing was real bad last year. Took 3 hours sometimes but I could do it. NOw it would mean crossing a rather dangerous highway. So of I go tomorrow and spend more than I ned. Nothing new there. Just wish I could get some help. Plus not being able to drive anywhere because of the vision problem is just frustrating. I hope things get back to normal soon. One thing is for sure, if there was any dought in mind my  worth around here, It has been revelied my worth

Well this is a long over due update on the old blog. Timely I think. The past few weeks has really b

 

Well this is a long over due update on the old blog. Timely I think. The past few weeks has really been eye opening to say the least.

    Tom has been having some real balance trouble, as well as the occasional swelling if his feet from time to time. Really really strange to say the least. Well it finally hit him to the point he went to the doctor and he took him off work for the rest of the week.The following week was he neurologist He was able to find that the neuropathy Tom has been experiencing has killed all feeling in his feet and legs(DUH!!). The new news is that is seems his spine is slow in processing messages to his legs and some other parts of his body as well. Thanks to the power above, it is not his autonomic system,just voluntary. To be as precise as possible,if I take 1 second to respond to input he takes at least 2. This we learned can be corrected by therapy. However this has put him in a bit of a panic attack. That along with him second guessing replacing the Neon with a Silverado pick-up for him, is making him irritable at best. He went on a rant of how this is just being selfish. Right replacing something to small for our needs with something he can drive and get in an out of is being selfish. RIGHT! I love him anyway and of course always will.

    There are times he seems to be planning to have things in order with out him around. Subtle but they are there. His need for total isolation from people is getting stronger to the point he hates to leave the house for any reason at all.He will go with out food and stuff like that and wait till I come I come in from a road to drop the bomb that we need everthing.He almost seems to be trying to stop living before he stops living. I hope I am reading more than there is into this, but I wonder

History repeats itself

Once again I see history go around. NASA releases it's "NEW" spacecraft to replace the shuttle fleet. Congrats to them, they gave us "Apollo". NASA and it's team hae gone back 40 years to the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo missions to give us our next craft. I see that once again the civilian sector will have to come to the resuce as it did for Apollo 13. They"civilians" gave us Space Ship One. It went to space 3 times in a month. ONe test flight and 2 for real flights to win the X prize. It seems Nasa has a hard time doing the shulttle once a year. The future is Space. Both inner and outer for us as a species. I see that if either is to be fully explored, inner must continue in the civilian area, and Outer MUST follow. True inovations come from risk and trying new things. I see NASA has tried to play it safe instead goin to 40 year old technology. Yea. I am so happy I could spit. Remember, even in most science fiction, normal people not the military makes history. Star Trek as an example, has Dr. Zephram Cocrahine, achiving WARP on his own in hope of profits. Turns out he writesa whole new future for mankind. Where ar the Dr. Z's in this world. Why are they so afraid to come foward and just do it. I am a pilot by trade and a driver. Show the cockpit and I will fly it. I might die trying, but that is how we move foward. How many humans died as we (our bodies) learned to fight infection. Simplistic Yes, but true. Someday we will get there, but not if we wait for a bloated, all hands in the pie, agency to lift us to the stars. In outer Space or here on Earth. Everyone of us must look to ourselves and those around us who dream to go foward. Will I be the one who does it,Mabye. I know I will try. How about you.

 

Wondering

I am fearing the fact I may have an answer to why the behavior of Tom has been as such. I have had my turn with this damn virus for the past year and half. I fear it may be Toms turn to face this and now I know why he has been over doing it. We shall see and I know that it would mean he juat cannot be with just one, but I hope I am wrong. I hope the behavior of late is because he is just him. Not because he is comensating that he may not be able to soon. It is amazing how this damn diease can affect every aspect of ones life, and those around them. Again I hope I am very very very wrong and that he is OK and not about to face an episode. Please God not him he has been through enough in his life, his first bought, his MOm's cancer and death. Then my almost passing away..twice. We shall see I guess.

Just rambling

Well Slow season has been that. However as you can see by the decor in the picture, not dead. Sitting in small town South Carolina.

One thing about traveling so much that drives a body crazy....DOWN TIME! As long as there is a way to get around it's o.k. , still to much time to think though. When the mind is allowed to wander it is truly amazing on what will bubble to the surface. However, the mind will unmistakably protect itself at all cost if it think you as a person cannot handle it. I have been for several years now, trying to recover a chunk of time I am missing. Lately as The attempt is made, the nightmares have been unreal. So as I rethink this, I wonder if I should really attempt this without help. Ten years is a big chunk of time to be missing. I have bits and pieces, but none from Boston, just Florida on Alligator Point. There I was always at peace and relaxed. So this leads to the question..WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. the time from 76 to well into 84 is blank. Again,except for Florida. Linear time in my memory begins with me being at Logan Airport leaving for Europe the first time.After that, it is as life began. makes me wonder. This could also be the head aches I am having afte these nightmares. Who knows I guess I will have to see

Adn so the world goes round

SO Again I sit and ponder what is. Weird I know but with good reason I allow it to continue. The wolf will survive and prosper as it should. What direction must it go, how should it proceed. Bold, brash and loud. Stealthy,slowly and with great mystery. The main thing is go. Always forward and never back.

Still being chased is very ego boosting. Others feel hurt and that bothers me. Things like this should not, buhey do. What is so wrong with being looked at with eyes that undress you. For so long those eyes were always for others. That was OK. To say this was not a nice feeling  would be to lie. This has been great, and I hope it does not end soon. When the time comes it does, I will accept it, and go one as always. Those that matter wil still be there, those that were along for this part of the ride will as always go for the bigger and better. The next big thing as it was. They are the ones who will always be lost,wandering, and wanting. The focus I am experiencing is new to me. I only hope I am not imagining it. The road ahead looks better each day. The road is and always will be where I find peace. She never lets me down. Always calling me to here freedom, and endless ways. Stories yet to hear and those already told. Some I have been in, and others I will be. That is up to her. Like a woman the road is mysterious, quiet, and loud all at once. Always though..there.

One more unto the breech old freinds

I see from afar in time a distant glow of the past, but no, it is now. What looms ahead is the past about to repeat and we are letting it. Remember this, last time we did not have the ability to annihilate the planet, this time.....Well. The cold war was scary but we knew who we were dealing with. This time there are no borders,uniforms,or faces. What does history hold? Turn the page.

Things on the home Front as usual are up and down and one sided again. The catch is this time I have someone chasing me and making me feel special and wanted. It seems wrong to feel what I am feeling. Wrong to have these parts of my ego touched and caressed in such a pleasant way. Not by just one but several. I guess it will not last but I am enjoying it so much that I cannot stand it let alone believe it is actually happening. Nice to feel young and wanted again. not bad for 40.

 

Along the road of life.....

Well it has bee some time since an entry  has been made and I now feel it is time. Again this is a personal Journal, so it will ramble at times. The entry that follows has been 2 weeks in making.....

   THe past week has been a culmination of thought, reflection and panic. The seemingly endless roads that I roam, have landed me here in Black Mountain. The week is my as the group that came here, will not require the bus for the whole week. This has left ample free time, to much, to explore myself once again. This time the answers I seek have not changed. In fact they have become much clearer. Aside from accepting that things in life that cannot be changed,things have been added. In example I have taken the name of the animal known as my spirit guide.This is how interductions are now handled. The road is the true way of life and is true peace. Prisoner of the Highway I am. Many things in the mountains apeak to all iif they listen. How to be a peace with one self. Knowlage of what true beauty is in htis world beyond what humans create. Sounds that we cannot make, only imitate. The Wolf can run alone, or in a pack. Survial is better with the pack but can be done alone. Destiny holds the lone path for few. Many have to pack. The road ahead I fear will be that of the lone. Trying to run with other teaches that to those few,you MUST run alone or the pack will suffocate you. The few run into those that can run together as one. They are specaial and rare. I have one such I could run with, However his cub will always need him and so I again run alone until such time as we can run together. To you I say I will wait. My love is yours alone on the level we share and always will be. The ivitation to run with me here and on the other side is always there. This Wolf has learned of all the souls I have run with in passing, yours shall always be needed and welcome, and shown true love.

Long days..but so good

The Road. While traveling across the wide and seemingly never ending roads, I indulge myself to my one true passion. LIVING. Long roads were the norm for the past days. Along the way I got to play on a beach, and take in an Air  Show of sorts. No real Flying demos as much as a display of the History of Aviation in real tangible exhibits. The image in picture 4 and 5, was actually used in WWII over the "HUMP" in India along the Burma road. Things such as this remind me of my love for history and keep the flame of wanting to learn alive. The children there were the most fun to watch. Wide eyes of amazement. One such child was there with his Grandfather, who had flown something similar a long time ago. "YOU FLEW THOSE" he asked. THe Grandfather, obviously proud, said " I was the Cargo Master!" Nice to see things such as this. Reminds me America is alive and well. She will hopefully be here long after I am gone from this world

I again am LOST. A strange thing has been taking place and I have know idea the outcome. I know what should be. The question is can it be? Latley the word engima has begun to be the best descriptor of who and what I am. The weekend coming wil be valuable to this resolution in persona. The swamps, marshes,and the slow meandering river, will be a good place to lose myself and ponder this needing That has begun to consumemy very thought. I need to let the diffrent sides of me finally come together and just fight it out in the most primal setting I can find. Except for the avodiance of the occasional Aligator so prevelent this time of year, it should happen. The Wolf MUST win, but only  can can make it happen.

Another day for the books

Good Day Yesterday. I went to Plains Georgia, and had Sunday school with a former President. I really enjoyed this quite a bit. It was something unique and just a little out if the everyday. This makes 5 presidents I have met and talked with. Nothing special but does give me a small peice of history to all my own. That is all life is to each person, a collection of pieces that make their history uniquly theirs'. Gotta love that. BUSY week ahead and again I welcome it. Better than how it was not being able to walk, speak well or eat solid food. So bring on a busy week.

On the road as the moon goes full

Well I again find myself where I am most at home feeling this way. On the Road. I have been always drawn to things in travel. Flying, Trains, and of course Trucks, busses. They have givin me the chance to see the best and worst of the world. The best has always been this country. USA is so beautiful and so big. I love driving through her and seeing all the natural beauty she has. God has so blessed this land. KNowing that I am terminal,has filled me wiht new appritiation of her and the beauty of life in general. I also asie from having made peace with the almighty, I am at peace with those who have done me wrong. I am a better person for having these people challange me, for I am still here. Even the person who gave the virus to me, has long been gone. I am here. Live life. it is to short.

WEll! about time

Well to all those who said I really never had a reason to smile since I had AIDS.EAT THIS YOU BASTARDS!! Things are almost normal with my my life. Yea, I still have shots to take and pills but only twice a day. I am working at what  I do best, and what I love. DRIVING. I am a damn good one. This rant came about because of a conversation with old friends who think that because I am sick I need to stay home and be senseable. Translation, stay home and get ready to die. I WILL NOT! I am still living and I intend to until my heart stops beating ad I can no longer breath on my own. I no longer fear death. I donot welcome it, but I do not fear it. This is why I am on the road, because life is ment to be lived, not to excist through. I intented to drive,Camp,(both kinds Bruc) and just love life and my husband. Thing will always be tough in life. God said it would be worth it he never said it would be easy. I hope .check that. know there is something better on the other side. I can feel those that will be there with me from this life. I ay preced them but I will be there for them. I know this to be true. The certainty comes from laying in a bed 9 months ago feeling my body getting ready to shut off. I began to get visits from freinds and family, even Sebastian, my Basset. They came to tell me it would be OK. NOt that I was going to die, but it would get better. I do not know when it will happen but I know I will be met by family and Friends. Live my friends, LIVE. It is worth it.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

WOW things have been really going strong and hard these past days, COOL BEANS. I am really enjoying this work and ti has helped my mental health as well. I love the road and I always will. I am finding I am fight the virus better by having something to fight for. It is defenetly still there. The pain is as usall there and gets me done ,but it is something I have also learned to live with, and I am "living" with it. Tom is stil and iffy thing on some areas. Apperently a freind called him a whore and he was not happy. Things have gotten better but he is still making me worried. I am just staying the course and letting him decided where to go. Then  will know what to do. Right now I an sure he fact I out earn him again has his ego a little bruised but, I remind him HE carried the house while I was sick. I could not have dome it with  out him. So of I go to OZ again to sleep and enjoy a night at home. Grad nights start tomorrow . GAWD long night ahead, butI am not copaining.

One of the advantages of travel, is that I get to see family and cool places. I got to see cousins in West Palm,then go to the Georgia Aquarium, then catch a spectacular sunset on the Gulf coast. Kinda neet huh? makes you forget that I am sick all the time. God has a funny way of reminding you it is not just about you. Like family,friends, and the appriciation of  all he has made. Nice thoughts that mabye there is more after thislife. Gotta love it

Getting ready again

Getting ready for another trip. Here it is Thursda night and time to roll again. How appropriate that Ronnie is singing Prisomer of the Highway, drivin on by my restless soul, imprisoned by the feeling of the road. I truly am. I find I am not the same when I am "released from that prison". The road is who and what I am. AIDS keeps trying to take it from me. I seem to keep winning . The battles get harder each time and I am getting tired of it. I feel like I wish one of us would finally just WIN!! I hope it is me of course but damn this gets harder every day. Th constant pain,drugs for taking a shit, to eat to keep my blood pressure UP. The shots and the constant looking in the mirror knowing one day the reaper ,looking back wil not say "not today". The road reminda me I am truly free, that I am alive and that God does exist. All you have to do is look at creation and know, HE is alive and well. I find peace in that the world goes on. I have neices and nephews to carry on the name, and remember that I walked this earth at one point. I hope they rememer me when I have to pass to whatever waits on the other side for me. And there is the otherside, of this I know. Live your life as though today was the last in it. Plan for tomorrow, but live live live. Things can happin so quick it is scary. Trust me on that. AIDS teaches you this first hand.

Getting better?

Well things maybe looking up. I guess the latest round of he is not sure has been a prolonged panic attack. I hope. He sems to have calme down since I have made very aware that Yes taxes on house have been paid, morgage is OK and the truck and car payments are OK. Especially with me working my skills again. He panics when it looks like we might not be able to hold on to these thingds. He relizes that he has a choise if I stop working(die) he looses it all and he most likly doesnot like that. Neither would I. I am worried because he has had all the symtoms of a small stroke. The Dr. has scheduled him for a whole battery of tests. I am hoping that theyfind nothing more than the usall AIDS problems. We willdeal with what happens when it does. As always time to just wait and see....again.When do I get  live MY life for a change. I seem to be living other for them. Oh well just being bitchy I guess, I am a bit of  a drama queen sometimes. I should just shut up now and face whatever life throws at me. My life or others.

Well as the pictures show I am traveling very heavy. the first is the train in Stone Moutain Park GA. The second in  the Cyclorama in Atlanta. Three is of course NYC and the fourth is the Cape. Tell the truth driving is my peace and my serenity. Today was no exeption.It feels good to command a big bus or truck. Feels like I am finally in control of something in my life. So today was a good day for sure. By the way 2 photos are fake and made by illusion, any ideas? NYC is a sound stage on universal studios lot in Orlando, so is the Shuttle.

I guess it is.....WHAT???

How appropriate that this song is playing. One of the lines goes" I could get my hands to another line of work,but y heart will always be behind the whell...I am a Prisoner of the Highway". I  am not sure now where I stand at all. He told me yesterday he had numbness and tingling on his left side and felt dizzy. I asked if he called 911 or had work take hi to the hospital, he of course said no. Today when I called he acted like I was an acuantaince at work and said I am fine and dropped the subject and ended the call quick. Last night my first time home in days, a trick called the house, and he mad no effort to hide it. In fact he said( me sitting next to him) I am to tired right now, and I have to get up early. Shortly there after, I went to bed, he did to. I asked for a back scatch and i got the back scracther. WOW how nice...not. I just wanted his touch. If he is thinking of doing something I wish to hell he would make uphis mind. I am almost feeleing, no I am feeling, like he is upset I got better and back on the road. He has no idea how that makes me feel. On top of it he does not have a clue to how much money I cashed in to save the house and truck and keep food on the table. I toataled it the other day for kicks, over ^^$%R%E$^ 83,000 that used to be my retirement. Oh well I knew  would never be rich, but I thought I would have someone to share my life with rich or poor. Again it is Oh well, and I am just the back seat.......PAr for the course.

Well now I know

Well they say better to know than not. Ihave at least a round about way of now I know. Tom was on the phone with me and telling me how a mutal freind things that we are having trouble. He says he is letting Mic think that, but actions speak louder than words. Even close freinds are having there doughts. I am strangly comfortable with this. I will at least if nothing else I have a railer and the road, and for now peace of mind if the shoe finally drops. I will let him make any move if there is one to make. I do relize that my instincts will rule me evnetually and I will always be there for him and always when needed. That of course is based on if the feelings are true. If not then there is nothing to worry about except for this sex adddiction. That wether or not the other stuff was going on is still there and I have to deal with it. Well I am  on the road again and it is brining me comfort, and peace of mind as it always has.So time to roll and chill behind the wheel of 39,000 lbs of tranqulizer.

Ok I guess

Well I am sitting in a hotel room as usall for these days. I do mis my truck on nights like this. It was atruck I was sleeping in, but it was my space and my bed every night. My clothes in there own place and my food in the fridge I am still feeling like I am on my own again. I really have no reason to but I do. We shall see what happens. I find I am ambivilent to this whole situation. That can be good or bad. I do not know yet. Wait and see I guess. I am stil finding myself looking at my life real hard and find I still have one mistake that I am having trouble dealing with. Not telling that special man how I really felt, and how I still feel. Even worse I am still afraid to be that honest with him and I should not be. IN Orlando tonight and remebering how nice it was with Tom on the road with me for those years. I really hope it happens again. I just for now feel like a roomate more than a Huswolf. I guess I am just feeling lonly in a crowded room type thing. Well time for bed

an answer .......dear God may it not be this one

I am fearing the fact I may have an answer to why the behavior of Tom has been as such. I have had my turn with this damn virus for the past year and half. I fear it may be Toms turn to face this and now I know why he has been over doing it. We shall see and I know that it would mean he juat cannot be with just one, but I hope I am wrong. I hope the behavior of late is because he is just him. Not because he is comensating that he may not be able to soon. It is amazing how this damn diease can affect every aspect of ones life, and those around them. Again I hope I am very very very wrong and that he is OK and not about to face an episode. Please God not him he has been through enough in his life, his first bought, his MOm's cancer and death. Then my almost passing away..twice. We shall see I guess.

 

Who am I...Really who

I really wonder why I am here. I have not left any mark any where at best as I have been called..just another aids riddled faggot, or like tonight, a FUCKING Redneck. I acualy responded to that with" better a Redneck than an opioniated ass like yourself. One of the first derogatory comment in a while I took as a compliment. I am proud of the fact I am a simple person and enjoy simple life. I am still just a soul here till I die. Nothng special or remarkable. Here I sit after 7 years and think mabye I am really alone after all. I thought I had a life, no who knows. Phone call again says he cares and loves me, actions one day also the next day another. Damn it was easier being alone. I do have on true regret though from the past years. Not telling a very xpecial man how I felt, and what "I" wanted. If I had who knows were I might be now. But that is aroad I did not follow because I was worried for him to make sure he did better than someone like me. Now I sit back and look and say yeah, he did better, but I still regret not tellin him how I felt and how much beyound love I feel for him. WHo knows mabye in the next world or life if I have to come back here I will get it right. IN this life I am ment for other thngs and can only pray I am doing the job I  ma supposed to, and doing it well. I long to be touched, not sex, but held and hugged, and caressed kindly. I miss that and need it so much. I have become more onto myself lately as the lone WOlf in me returns to protect me. I need him by my side to keep me sane. I also know why I fel better around animals that humans, they get me, and i them. Damn I feel so I don't know lonely in acrowded room. Shit, I just want to be loved for who I am. SOmetimes this world sucks. If not for those special few I would have checked out of this hotel a long time ago(LIFE,,,,, no one gets out alive)

Just Perfect....YEah right!

I am now pretty sure that I am just an ends to a means and the time has come to run as a lone Wolf again. I made a point of having "fun" with Tom and as tired as I was from driving all night, I think I did real good. Well, last night before I left for Fayeteville, he lef me at the house and went to play. NOt so bad except he went with a friend. Nice huh? Well I just rested, after all I had a 600 mile Drive to start at mid night. SO here I am in my hotel getting ready to sleep, feeling a little loopy as well. I sit here as I have many times..Alone. I am not upset or surprised. I am just letting myself become How I always become. A seperate loner fron the pack. I will jus breeze in and out and keep myself the Home Base I have made for me. My safe Place. THis is only for me now. Strange I am not upset or angry anymore, jus...quiet

I have no idea where to turn

I am really conflicted now. AMazing how one phine call can really set you off into so many diffrent emotions all at the same time. Primarly Panic. I am begining to belive the fear that I do not know where I stand at home. Here I am in Williamsburg 900 miles from home, and wondering if I can go back. If Jake and Fozz were with me I probley would not fo a while and see how it plays out. I love the truck and can live on it and run the house from te computer. God knows I have the software to do it. Here I sit having a late lunch a 600 mile drive coming and I am worried about everything but hte road. Damnit I have got to get my head straight in the next hour. I have 54 lives in my hands that are counting on my skills Trucking all I had to worry about was if the damn load shifted. This time it is PEOPLE not hings I have to remember I am carrring. I know I will get my head on straight I always do. I just cannot keep this up. He will havr to accept I cannot always run thehouse from 1000 miles out or be anywhere in Taly in 5 min flat to do something. I almost feel like I am imposing when asking for shopping help or the such. Oh well, such is and has been my life. Time to work for a living to kep him happy.... truth be told, on the road I am keeping me happy

Feeling conflicted

As I sit getting ready for a nice nap, Long drive tonight, I amfeeling worried. THe picyure says it all, it is my first and best skill. I enjoy busses and the groups I work with, however there is a lot of sitting and waiting. Trucks your moving more. Both have there ups and Yes the downs. Right now the best is what I am doing now to see if my body can handle the road again. SO far so good. Having AIDS has it's problems on the road. All the questions such as, what if I get sick in the road, how well can I eat,can I get meds if needed in a hurry. THe most important thing is a company that when I say I have to go home, they send me that way. These are worries that any driver would have, but being POZ makes me hyper aware of it. As it should be. THe other factor is my hubby. He is so good to me in many ways and naturally drives me crazy in others. I can only hope he understands that what I do I do Better than most. That is not being consited, I have the 2.5 millon miles to prove it. So as long as I can drive I WILL HAVE FOOD AND HOUSE AND CLOTHING. IT has been good to me, hard but good. I would never recomend this way of life to anyone. It takes a special breed to run the roads. The Iron Cowboy if you will. The Wolf who does not need the pack to run. IT is lonly, long mile, and faces you oly see once then there gone. Close friends are rare. Friends eho are your fanily are rare as a perfect Diamond. SO to you again those I call family, I hope you know what that means coming from me. So the road is who I am and what I am, it found me and I have been saved by those long miles many times. Yes, I have been beaten up by it, but it is all I know. Even flying planes like I did for a few years is the same thing, just the road is in the sky. A lone Wolf I am and I guess I will always be. To you the other REAL wolf in my life, yes you Boston, You are another Lone WOlf that has had life beat you hard, I am now and always the other Wolf you can run with here, or in the next world. Mabye when it is our times, Jake,Fozz-E, Misha, and Sebastian will run with us as our own pack. I belive we can, and hope that GOD will let us.

A nice day

I have had a good day here in Williamsburg, I love the idea of watching people learn and see new things. The only thing I had forgotten is how much like pigs people can bewhen on a bus. How they are so willing to live in there own trash amazes me. I mean even if there sitting in the back of the bus, and so not want ot use the bucket on the wall, there is the one up front only 40 feet away. LOL I had forgoten that. They are really funny that way, but it is still fun.

Interesting Day to say the least

Well the good news is that Jake is doing so much better. He is even running now. The medication is working real good for him and he is bouncing around like he is a puppy. I am in Williamsburg, Va. The weather is absoulutly beautiful today. It will be cold to me only 50 for the high. THe group is in Presidents Park then off to Colonial Williamsburg later. Should be a nice day all in all. The group this time is rambuncious and a bit loud but hey there kids. THe good new today for me is that my baby (Jake) is doing so much better and feeling like himself. He is so cute and I love him so much as he has been through so much. That is it for now.

Jake better,relitivly

The lazy puppy is doing a little better. He can walk again, but not really well. The back end and front end do not agree on which way to go. It was funny at the vet. He wanted to go to the truck the backend went somewhere else. He is resting at my feet right now on a futon pillow. Tom slept with him last night. He is doing better but I am naturaly worried and very concerned. Even Fozz-E is hovering around like a nurse. I love him so much. The first time aids tried to take me he slept on my chest every night for a week till he felt I could sleep without his help. He is my percious little one. I have to go toWilliamsburg today for a week. If it was not for the fact Tom is here, I would never had taking this job. I am hoping I can get back into trucking agian so they can go with me, Even Jake as he is ould love it. I would just have to helphim in and out of the truck. I pray God gives me the wisdom to know when to let him go when the time comes. I went through the trouble after all of making a living will so I do not become a Terri Schivo. I hope I would not do the same to Jake or to Fozz-E. Things with Tom are not at the top right now. we are both worried about Jake. We shall see how things play out. Story of my life after all.

Why me!

The picture are of just one of the dogs. Jake is in the Hospital, he canot walk. He came in Friday night from the back yard limping. By last night he could only pull himself on his front legs. Last night I slept with him in the living room. this morning I took him out, and all he did was lay there. So of to the vet and he is there now. I hope this lets him know I am thinking of him. The past 10 years have been so good. He has been through a lot with me. I love my baby.

Amazed at People

Well I am once again amazed how diffrent we can be, and still relate to each other. Tallahassee Democrat has had several articles relating to Gay Adoption. The flavor of the month for polititions this year. There we also manyletters to the editor on the subject. The usall Yahoos for this area wish death to all Gays and "AIDS CARYING FAGGOTS" that are here to kill kids. Most I am glad to say were acually though out and could lead to real intelligent debate on this issue. I also put in my two cents worth and got some death to fag responses but also more than those real insightful comments. Mabye Just mabye, there is hope for the human race. I wonder. Even if we (Gay People)can have children, I doubt I will be one. Having Full Blown AIDS, how cruel would it be for me to adopt, knowing I could die on that Child. I also know there is no certainty in life. This however is a known. Mabye someday.. I still would love a child to carry my  name. SIGHH. FOr those that do not hae The ilustious publication that is the Tallahassee Democrat, here is what I wrote.                              

 Debate over adoption
by gays gives hope

As a gay male in a committed relationship of more than seven years, I have considered children of my own. I usually tell people I am incapable of having children and let them come to their own conclusions. Those who know me are very aware that it is because of certain attitudes that I have not pursued having children.

I am seeing Tallahassee's people surprise me again: They are engaged in real debate over this issue from both sides. This has given me hope that maybe one day I can have a child and we can share our lives with him or her and watch while the bumps and scrapes of life get to them. The best part of being there will be to say, “We have been there and this is what we did to resolve it.” I know it won't be easy or perfect.

That is what my partner and I want for us and a child who needs a loving home - not to indoctrinate that child. I look back and see we have been together longer than some of my “straight” friends who were married. So much for stable homes that way. What children need more than anything is aplace to go to and feel safe.

Another day another wait in a prking lot

The one down side to being on the road as a bus driver is all the down time. In trucking you are always on the move and busy by comparision.. to busy. I find out that as I look back on my life (lots of time think waiting) I am truly a flash into most people lives. There are true definate expetions. Bruce,Matt,Will,Alice,Jessi and Cathy. It goes without saying Tom I hardly think that 7 and half years is a flash. Bruce especially has hit my life hard right from the start, in a good and special way. I know he is always there as I can feel his presence all the time. I think, check that I know I am still here in many ways because and for him. I have never met anyone like him execept one. He is not mantioned in the list beccause he has passed and watches me from the othe side. Rest well Casey. These so few that have been i my life for so long I owe more than I can ever repay. Tom of course I have no idea what is going on latky, but I am sure we will work it out. He is me and I him in so many ways. Well time to go for a walk and think somemore. Always a dangerous thing to do LOL. Bruce on that list I truly hold you on the top, OUrs is a realshionship beyound life itself and I thank God for you

The road is to long

I have heard that if you travel far enough you will meet yourself. I have and I am not thrilled. I have run headon to many of my lives and persons in the past weeks. I now know what I have felt is true, Aids was supposed to happen and as I feared, I am not to have stable long term anything. I am surprised at the seven years I have had already in this life. I take comfort in this, I have left an impression on those I have touched some good some bad, but always who I was and am

What thehell is gong on

All of a sudden I am having a full blown panic attack. I wish I knew why. I felt like something went through me and just chilled me to the core. I called the Cadillac and all is well there Tom is OK but I am getting worse as the hour goes on and I am going out of my mind. I am just hoping that it passes soon, I am beging to feel my heart and blood flowing, BP must be off the scale right now. THis from a person who is normaly 80 or less on the high number. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but something has or will happen soon. I hope with as strong as this feels I AM DEAD WRONG. usally though when this strong I am not. I acually feel the need to run so powerful but to where I do not know or right now CARE.

All in all not bad

Well today is a day off then some local work for the week. Goverment is in session here and for the next 6 weeks. This weekend I go to Alabama for a trip to the Shakespere Festival. I hope this year they are doing the Taming of the SHrew or Macbeth.I love those most of all. Dad and Mom are on the way down from up North. Dad of course is a southerner Mom a Yankee, wow was growing up weird. Of the three kids I am the only one who embrased and now live the southern way right down to were I live. I know a lot of people think Florida is not Southern, However I DO NOT AND WILL not live in Orlando Miami Or that area, especiall West Palm down. All that is is NEw York City with HEat. YUCK! I live in the Big Bend area. So far across we call it L.A. Lower Alabama. I love it here and enjoy the small city we have, although it sems to begrowing way to fast for me. Well that is it for now time for shots and and pills YEAH..

Ah The road is a good place for me

Amazing things you see on the road Huh? Well the Aquarium was really neat and a lot of fun. Cannot believe the way it was set up. In one area you sat in front of a 5 story tall wall of glass at the bottom of a 6,000,000 gallon tank and over you as well. It was incredible. Left me wondering who was on display the fish and others or the HUmansl  The group for some reason wanted to go the long way which it hard for us( 2 driver move) to not run over our driving hours for the day. It got close I had all of 10 min when I got back to the barn. The situation was helped by the rush hour arriveal.  That made traffic in Atlanta real tough. But it is all in a days work as the saying goes. Things with the other half are not getting better. Now the tricks just show up at the house . I don't even know there coming. NICE. Well I am in Jacksonville today and lovng life watchng a LaCross game. good sport.

FINALLY SOMETHING NEW

Well finally something new. I get to go to the New Atlanta Aquariam. I have not been to Atlanta with enough time to go see it yet. THis time I have the time and get PAID to do it. I am hoping that it lives up to the hype in the press. I have heard that it does but the proof will be in the pudding. So as I say, What does History hold....turn the page. So to OZ we go

Wow I have been almost to Honest

I am surprised I actually have done what I set out to do with this Journal. I really have been brutally Honest about how and What I feel. I guess the friend was right if you cannot talk to others than find a way to talk to yourself. So it looks like this works I really have to sit back after and read and realize that I do have some problems but as long as I admit to myself I do and they are real I should be OK. I have also made a very surprising discovery, something I have know,but was afraid to admit. THe love of someone I had no idea was as strong as it is or as transcendent. The deepness scares me, but I find true comfort in the peace just knowing he is there gives me. Strange it is not the one who shares my bed who achived this one time only bond. I had given up thinking I would ever have that kind of relasionship. Turns out I do. Just not the way I though. May God always watch over him and keep him safe. TIme to get the dogs out for a bit, the air is warm skyy is bright and my pack needs a good walk, The elder and myself especially. To bad only the elder can hang his head out the window.

Another Day ends

I find myself coming face to face,literally, with part of myself that sometimes makes others real nervous. The part that gets animals. I mean I really understand them. I was forced to really look at how I interact with them today. I wound up on the Front Yard when this Dog ran up and strarted jumping on me and playing, being real freindly. The owner ran up horrified thinking the dog was attacking me until SHe heard me laughing. THe resaonshe assumed he was hurting me was he usally does attack other people inorder to protect Her. I then remembered why I am called wolf by those who know me. Has to do with A real wolf I met years ago during a retreat to an indian Reservation. I do relate to animals better than humans, and those few people I do like and relate to have the same gift. As this day ends and again he is taken care of and I am not. it is time I take the advice f one of those people 'WORRY ABOUT YOU< BE SELFISH FOR A CHANGE" I think I will. I just wish I had him to run with. I need him and love him so much,more than I do myself. God i miss you ore thatn I ever have, you are me and I hope I am you. I love you so much and always will. May you always be in my life.

Time to RUn?

I once again find myself facing a decision. I feel like I need to disapear for a while. I mean like I used to, just go , no notes ,phone nothing. It has gottten to the point he invites them over while I am here as though I am not. I left this time to get the hell out and he called wondering where I was, after he was done of course. about an hour later. It is my own damn fault I think it is time or the Wolf to leave this oack for a while and just once again run. I wish I could run with a WOlf I love, but I ruined that a while ago because I did not speak my mind, I can still hope he would though. It is what keeps me whole

Calming down still

Well I sit here and I think. That happens a lot when you are on the road. As I remembered it can be good or bad. I find mself still in panic attack mode for some reason. I need to talk to someone, but someone who knows me as me and not just rying to say what I want to hear. Unfortantly I am to far from the people who would do just that. Computers are nice and so is the phone, but nothing like face to face. I feel as though I need to runaway for a while. NOrmal in a Panic attack. Just Where should I go. Ah well my mind at work again. It haunts me and e without my sleeping pills. Mabye a Good strong Kalhua with milk. I think I just need time to let this run it course and see what I need to do with a level head.

on ther road again THANK GOD!!

I am so calm today because I was able to swap my Day run for an overnite trip. Being on the road is good for me because I feel at peace. I love what I do and I am good at it. I say this to myself because otherwise it sounds like I am bragging my butt off. So When I have a group or am in ABIg Rig, I let my skills behind the wheel speak for themselves. Well speaking of that time to watch white lines go by.

asnd so it goes

Well still having the attack I I really need to try and get some sleep. I hope I can

 

PANIC ALERT

I fund myself going through a really strong panic atack and have no idea why. I am concerned for the main reason I find this one really strong and very hard to control. I cannot sleep, eat right even find myself going into meditation so hard I jumped out of my skin when Fozz-E rubbed up against me. Jake(my other fuzzy) Has gone throught his before and just looks at me like get your shit together! I seem to have so much going on at once. THe all or nithing syndrome. There is an old saying "if you travel far enough.. you will meet yourself" I am having that sort of experiance. A man who I loved and loveds me but had a scipt of life I did not has become the man I always knew he was. He is beautiful, strong and not letting life hit him down and keep him there. One other who is now relizing I never said to him anything I did not mean, has become again part of my life. Through them I see myself and wonder could I have been better. I am at a point of something big. I feel as though my old curse is about to reapear, meet someone get to know them, then loose them, by unreal or unknow events to come. I hope not. I am tired of it and really lonley. I have few friends I call family so few I only need 1 hand to count and have room left. I need them more than they relize, and I love them so much,that I do not know how to tell them. I only hope they know. SHould I ever loose them, I will truly have nothing

New Month and Old Concerns

Once again I find old fears lurking in the coners and me in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I do not mind these gifts I have but they have grown so powerful I fear I may not learn to keep them controled. The one that bothers me most is the distance I can now achive. THe accuracy is even better. I will one day know why I can do this but I hope it is soon. It will ahppen when it is supposed to, or when I want it to. It is to the point I now talk aloud to the house and it worries my partner because the house is responding, andhe knws it. LOL He almost left theother night because of it. Now that I am home again it has been quiet. What does history hold.. turn the page

All good things

I am seeing thinks that are supposed to happen,as they are supposed to with some regularity now. I just returned from atrip to Lilian Alabama to see family, As far as my Aunt knows a friend of the nice lady who takes care of her ws visiting. The Alzihmers has finally taken her from us. SHe has no idea that the nice lady is her own daughter,or that she even has a brother (my DAd) never mind a nephew who loves her and is already missing her sacastic wit. I know this is the progesion of the diease, but it still hurts. God bless Dolly for the way she is given her life to both her parents for these times. She has every right to tell them both to go to hell and walk away. I wish I could say it was creul but e shared to much of the same growing up to say that. I hope I can only be more like her. I find out though on this trio I am her and she is me. No wonder I feel normal near her.Life sometimes has a way of reminding you even in times like this , it is ok to live. We took her to a Fat Tuesday Parade, caught beads and moon pies and cozzis'. She loved the parade and smiled a lot like a child. SO even now, she is living,and acually having fun at times. Thank you GOd for the wasy sometimes you take us. She has no idea of the stomach cancer, no pain, and no regrets because to her everyday is brand new, Love you Aunt.

For every action...

I seem to have forgtten that for every action there is a reaction. I have taken the action everyone was helping to go for , now it looks as though there may be a reprecussion fron the one person who pushed the hardest for this new direction. We shall just have towait and see how this plays out. I am hopeful that all in the end will come out as it shouldand I am sure it will. I am not sure of the outcome, howevere i do know it will be as it should and I will have to accept it. This is most likly just my nerves getting in the way of something new in my life. Job,Family, any change can cause these feelings. I amtruly worried though. I am getting them stronger than usall. I am trying to write this of to the fact that everytime I have an episode,those gifts of mine grow exponetaouly every time. I ttrey and get used to this, but how can you. Before all this happend, it was bad enough. Now it is off the chart. We shall see. THe finding all the new address and numbers after each trip is really getting to me. Probley nothing, but yet

Weird day and night

Been a weird couple of days. Back on the road again and loving it of course but yet feel oddly like I am out of time and place. I am watching and old axiom come true right before my eyes. If you travel far enough, you will meet yourself or one of your lives. I have run into my life from Boston and here HARD. The one I did not and sill do not like wsas the Boston one. I was two people there, who those there wanted me to b.e and who I really am. All i can say is thank God those that know me in Boston Now, KNow ME!! not that fake for family person I have learned to dislike a lot.  This life here has been like tboth in one way. I seem to come into peoples lives, then with out wanting to they leave. SOmetimes I see why I was needed sometimes don't, but I always feel empty. I especcially feel like this when it is people I then and now truly loved then and now. THere are some major exeptions were I was needed and I got to stay in there lives. I am sad to say it is very few, but they are true friends. I am so grateful for them,

Well here I am in Ocala now. Waiting for my group. they should be out in about 15 minutes. I am really getting back inot the road and loving it. Tomorrow is Lakeland, then Panama City the next day, then the weekend in West Palm. Things are looking better than they have in a while and it is really helping me. THe road is who I am and what I do best. Logistics as well but, driving is my first best destiny. I feel like a new chapter has started, and this one isn't a bad and low series in the book of my life. I am truly grateful. Now if I could learn to spell better who knows what may happen. I might even get to have a Mamosa soon. LOL got love it if I feel that good.

The road is a good thing

The road is good thing and good for me. Real good. I find the road is like a comfortable pair of jeans. I find comfort in it, long roads beatiful scenes. Sometime there are terrify ones,accidents and the like but so worth it overall. THe bad stuff reminds you are alive and human. Keeps you focused on the job at hand because next time could be you if you are stupid. If I had to pick a bad thing would be the feeling I got when I walked in the house COLD. I do not if it is because he is  bit jealous of me being back out or not.

back to the 80's and country

Well at least I am listening to normal music again. A nice long walk helped a lot. I like to focus on something and quiet my mind as much as possable. Sometimes having an always on mind causes problem. Like getting to much in SPAM in the mail box. Lucklt I have some lightning roads in my life to keep me grounded and not loose it completly. Today I even added one. Felt good and right to make it a rod for my mind to focus on. Was not sure it would take the focus I can sometimes throw. It did. I am at least for now, back in the right head space for the job tonight. 50 lives in my hands is a lot diffrent than the truck.

is this all there is.. NO

ALways nervous when I find nyself lisiting to Rob Zombie stuff. Means mind is somewhere it shouldn't be. I am sure I will fiqure out why. There is more after this and more while I am here. I was reminded of that and it helped me stay focused on I have to be happy with my life, and who I am before I can be happy to other. I have achived the first and like who I am. The rest will unfold as life does. I will be where and when I need to and with who I am supposed to be. I have learned this painfully over my life. That some will be there just a short time and I will loose them but the impression is forever. Other are in my life even when not around me phsicaly. So life goes foward and I am looking foward to the ride. As my favorite saying goes God said it would be worth it .. He did not say it would be worth it

another day

I am asked why I drive. I give the appearance of  a home body sometimes. I guess I tend to agree to a point. What people do not know,and sometimes choose not to understand, is my spirit needs to be wandering. It as though I am on a mission. Today,a person who deserves the title of being called my brother even more so than my real brother,Reminded me of why I can travel and be OK with it. My ties to my sanity are not through things they are from bonds that defy explanation by know science. Connections some would call psychic,others witchcraft or nonsence. I have learned this stuff is real and have since I was very young. All my mothers family are gifted this way. I have learned later in life, My Dad as well. Due to them not bulding crazy stories of it, or saying it was wrong we were in fact encourage to use these gifts and develop them. They have great ups and some really bad downs. Example being, in a crowded room. I can feel all the people, If in a situation like Southern Decadence, when emotions are hi and loose, I cannot control the sudden onslaught of emotion,I panic attack. Leaving the room of course is option one. It is not always possable. I t is terrifing to feel so many hopes and dreams, fears and worry all at once. Thi shas let to the ties that keep me grounded and keep me .......ME       One in particualr bonded with my life forever ON SITE. He alone is the Anchor of my life here. A freind who has left ths world is my other tie down on the other side. I only hope that I am being his in some way. So to you the WOLF in my life, the world needs to know I feel you every day in every facet of my life. I am grateful. Thank you. 

I also travel to see things like the pictures above. Never be afraid to travel, learn new things and meet new people. Had I had that fear, I would have not met the man who has earned the right to be called my brother here and beyond. whatever happens.  Well time for a COCKTAIL through the special door my freind. I love you with all I am

 

Questions no Answers

Well here i sit during my first offical for pay for hire in some time. Looking foward to getting back into the swing of things. Probely will not take as long as I thought,seem to being getting right back into the swing of things with no effort. I am finding myself questioning everthing today. Happens when I have to much time to think. Mind does not want ot sut down, So I wind up going exestencial on my self. Sometimes fun because I go fantasy and science fiction, the times like today I do not enjoy. I was questioning my own exsitence. I have had 5 brushes with my friend the reper. This last time and the one before, I woke up here and asked why? My Doctor the last time said HOW???

Goes to show you my old saying is so true, Want to hear God laugh..... 

Tell him your Plans!  Sounds hard to say, but I lived through these boughts often enough to know it is true. He has a plan and when I have done my part it will be time to go, not before. This I can accept. I also no longer fear death. A strange peace comes to you when you make that relization. Lifes little trials, become...well small.

Well down to the final hour at the old job and 12 from begining the new. I usally take a day or two to get my mind right before I take a new job. I will leave the old rest then start the new. since I have down tours and busses before I thought What the Hell. I hope going against routine dosen't go against me. Ha HA. So here is to tomorrow.:-D

Ending the old begining the new

Well, today is the last day of my current job an I am working as though is wasn't Tomorrow I am of to Fayeteville NC then New York for the new one. No break which is the status quo for me. I do not like to out of work. Probably why I was so miserable during all that down time when I became sick. I enjoy working specially since I am good at what I do. The latest thing to make me nervous, in a good way but nervous, is a hopefully new friend I have met. The reason for this is he has caused a response from deep within me that I do not experience often. My "SHIELDS" went down involuntarily. So I know already he is special. Hope to find out more as I go. I have to be careful because I cannot risk my partner gettting the wrong impression. He still cannot get used to my Reading people when I meet them. Some would call it a gift worth having. I see it as a mixed blessing. People who have little contact or do not want to understand it,have sad cruel things or at the nicest called me a Witch. Having grow up so close to Salem, I take the later as a compliment.

I think the thing I am looking forward to the most is seeing the country again from the best place to see it. THE ROAD! The United States is so  beautiful,and I feel lucky to have been in all lower 48 states, and most of Canadas provinces. Well enough of this babling like a reporter looking for a story about anything. time to get my butt in gear for the day.

On the road

I am feeling good today. I am on the road in Jacksonville,with a high school in a soccor playoff. I am thrilled right now,because I will soon be working full time with my part-time job. I am happy to be back on the road again. I have not relized how much I have missed it. I am fighting off a cold or something. My roomate has this crud, and I think I am catching his bug. I have the rest of the weekend off, so I will rest. Dad and Mom hed back to Boston tomorrow in the AM. It looks like they are heading into a Noreaster. I hope they take there time going home I worry a lot when they travel. I think I have made the right choise for this point in time. I thank all my freinds and my wonderful partner for again being in my life. It makes it easier to face each day with optimism. A special thanks to a special someone in Illinois,<<<<<<EG>>>>

Doing what?!

Well it looks like I am having the usall mixed feelings about changing jobs. I am looking foward to it, no question, but find myself worring about this one. Will they replace me, and if so will he/she be qualifed to do this job. Anchor is a good strong company, and desreves the same from their employes. I already have my first trip assingment. I am to be a "push-out" drive for a trip going to New York. Simply put. I drive ahead to North Carolina,awap out with two drives(2 bus move) wait for them to come back and do it again. Should be a good break in for to get back into the feel of the "open Road" again. Looking foward to this change, and of coure the pay increase that will come with it. Dad and Mom will be heading back to Boston soon. I have this weekend free, so we will enjoy this last weekend here. I probely will not see them again till MArch early April. I think my Sister and Nephew are coming this trip. I would like to see my brother in-law as well. He will be staying in Boston to redo several rooms while they are gone. THe work will be easier with the little one out of the house for a week or two.

 

Back out again

I am looking foward to the next couple of weeks. I have turned in my notice at Anchor, and will be full time with Astro by the end of the week of 13th. I am looking foward to being on the road again. It does me real good to be out on the road. I feel free and alive. Weird to say I know, but it is what I am good at and live for. I love being free in that way. I feel special and needed. Most of my life on the road, people always asked why do a job that does not matter. I beg to differ. Drivers keep this country moving. Whether by truck or bus,everything moves by road at one time or another. Truckers keep us fed, clothed,sheltered. Next time you dought what we do, look behind Publix, Wal-Mart. Target and notice the big doors.What do you think there used for..SUVS'!? How about to back the floor of my rig level with the store floor an unload 25,000 pounds of toilet tissue. 40,000 lbs of Bacon and eggs. Milk, Soap, and those California rolls people go nuts for.

Good day even if it s raining

Well things are really going good today. The office here in Mexico Beach, as well as my main office are all happy for me and the fact I am going to be moving on in a good way. I am relieved that I will be leaving on such good terms with everybody, especially the CEO. I am real happy because I will be back in the industry I know the best. Transportation. THe company that is going to be putting me on will be a stepping stone back to trucking again I hope.They themselves have said I should treat it as such. I love doing tours and of course driving,so for now this is a good match. Well looks like Breafast is here.I am on Cenral time right now. LOL. The future is looking good. Been a while.

Today has been a good day. How could I ask for anything more than that

Well it is a done deal. I have made my decision! I am going to go with Astro Travel. If only for a while or a career. They made the best offer on an all things equal basis. They have also shown they will be a good step back into trucking should I go that far again. Thanks to all those who weighed in on this desicion. I am grateful always. I will be having my LAst Day here on 2/14/2006. Then it is off on the bus. Feeling real good today

Surreal

Some times I wish AOL would let us hand write in our mood. I feel good but ambivilent at the momoent the second is because of chioses I must make, the first is because of the veiws I see when I am out here. Such as the ones of where I am right now on St. George Island. THIS IS WHY I DRIVE.

Now what

Things are well today. The most impartant people in my life have weighed in on my choieses that are now before me. Tom of course,who I owe my very life to after this past summer. I looked really bad at 100 ounds(YUCK) The who has most definetly earned the right o be called brother by me. I know think that after a sit down with the travel and trucking(later this week on trucking) Ican make an informed choise. I think it will come down to benifits if nothing else. With one of my meds at 3000 per month, it will be important. We shall see how it plays out. Travel Tours gives me solitude and social as well as trucking. Both are offering good money.So it is a waiting game till all data is in. I am acually hoping that the busses come better. They do not have benifits at all, however after a cal this morning to them, The are looking into mabye something I can get on my wn for arounf 300 a month. Lets hope. I see the trucking people on Frida and Saterday. As they say about history"what comes next? turn the page" I am hoping the Great Spirit will lead this lone wolf to where he needs to be,not where he thinkss he should be.

Well been a good day all around good peoplw and stuff. THe nice thing is Dad and MOm are on the way down form up north,and TOm is feeling better. I still am not sure on which way to go job wise. THe offers are good but need to get the whole picture before I say yes to anyone.

Going better and better

Things seem tobe looking up these days. Job offers and all. I had almost forgotten a thing about driving that can be a good and bad at the same time. Time to think! When your with a group, schol , adults or otherwise, you have lots of time to get inour own head. It can be peaceful or very chotic. Tonight it is both. THe old question of where do I go from here? Back to OTR(over the road) or driving Charter Busses again. I love both. Each has there ups and downs. Busses the cargo talks back to you, and their lives are in your hand. Trucking is just you and 80,000 pounds of machine,plus lots of time alone. With Tom in y life, and so much a part of it. I would miss him either way. Both require me to leave home for days on end. Trucking he could go with me,and so could the dogs. Love my babies. The time has come though, to make a chiose, and follow through with it. I love both, I need what both can offer. Not the money, the ROAD. The road is a sickness to people like me. Cannot shake it nor do I want to. To quote my favorite song" Up here in this Cab is where I am most ALive, I am a prisoner of the highway". Guess I always will be.

 

Well looking a lot better these days. Just spent the weekend in Atlanta. Was up to see friends a well as see about a trucking job offer. :-D Get back and got a call from my part-time driving job in Tallahassee to mabye go full time with them. Nice to have optons again

Well here we go again. Looks like the cross road has definitely appeared and now I have to make a choice. I love the job at Anchor, However my skills are wasted there. With no Real Estate Experience, I have pretty much put myself into a dead end job. Astro Travel has most definitely thrown the ball into my court. They cant promise me benefits or such, but can be busy at at east till August. Then the regular slow season hits for a month. Then fall comes. Typical travel stuff to me. The next thing I have to wait for, is next weekend when I get to talk to Patti about opportunity's with here driving trucks again. GOD, this is getting interesting.  FOrm no choice to way to many. With God's Help I will make the right one.

Well I made it home from the Beaches and found GUEST. I am sure some playing went on tonight. I was not here and so at least someone was satisfied. Sometimes I really wonder why I even try

Well another day in Paradise so to speak things i Ft Walton are going well SUnny but cold. Was real cold this am. Right now just kicking back waiting for my group to come out. I really enjoy being on the bus. It is almost like being out on the road again. Not quite the same but it does keep me happy. Who knows, lots of options have been out in play this week. Including having Astro throw the ball in my court. LOL almost too many choises