After the last posting till now, All Hell has happened. Tom the reason I had for living, Died. He passed away on June 23rd at 6:30 pm. Things have been hard to sort out after all this. I am not doing well at all. Having to remember that I MUST get out of bed. I MUST keep breathing. I do not want to but I have to. The only choice I have available is not an option for me at all. So I exist. This truly sucks. Tom was a pig, (as he called himself and proved) played on me and would get Jealous if someone looked at me in a way he did not like. Andy being the most notable exception. I am wondering what the future holds. Questioning every belief has become common place. Have even going as far as wanting to vanish of he grid. I know it can be done, just how is the problem. I want no trace left if I go that route. Not that many would miss me or even care. Just another Gay Trucker lost in the 10's of thousands of miles of roads. Hmm, maybe not so hard after all. Time is passing slowly, and all that is for me now is an empty house. I lost my Fozz-E-Bear on March 31st, Thom on June 23rd, and Jake may be not far behind, I hope that things get better soon. I hope that this wanting to just stop breathing passes. I do not though see it happining

Today is not the easiest. I was on the road and ONLY because I was coming in that same day, I was told that my Dog, Fozz-E-Bear was loose. Apperently he got out and they ave no idea when or how he got out. Does not seem that they care anyway. He is 10 years old, and is not afraid of cars because he grew up on the Tractor-Trailer. I wish I knew where he was and how long he had been gone before they noticed. I love that dog more than I love humans. ANY HUMAN. This is not gong to be an easy day at all

Well it has been a real interesting 2 months to 2010 for sure, not good but real. Tom is slowly and surly everyday slipping further and further to the final night. He cannot speak at all and is really having trouble dealing with any situation that is put before him. Not fun for him or those around him. He keeps yelling I AM NOT A CHILD and do not need to be watched. The burn marks on the rug, the Ensure stains on the floor and carpet as well as the falls from his Wheel Chair say other wise. He tries to do for himself, good for him. However, the ensuing mess that results is amazing indeed. I have to clean what he cleans, re-do all he does. I just do it where he cannot see me follow behind him. The up and down all night is the really tough part indeed. I love him dearly and feel guilty for saying I wish this was over for him soon. He is doing the one thing he never wanted..existing, not living. This has become so frustrating for him. Things otherwise here have been OK. Weather has been so COLD for here this time of year. My heat is still on and is usually off by now for 3 weeks. Looking better finally this week. The Silver Aura I look for surrounding trees and plants has begun to appear. YEA!!!!! Spring is here. I am so happy

Well it seems that Tom is really being a pill these days. Having been home for a few days with local runs and or being home at night after a run, I have seen that it is getting harder to take care of him here. He is weaker every day. His voice is gone then he tries to do stuff on his own and all e succeeds in doing is creating a lot more work for everyone. The tough part is knowing that real busy season for me is upon us. Carl cannot pick up Tom by himself anymore than I can. That is the rub. Tom will make Carl's life hard just because he can. That is not fair to Carl or to myself. I spend my time looking forward to the road just to be able to rest. The true peace I find out there is amazing. Life actually makes sense to me out there. Stupid is easy to spot and so is Professionalism. The view changes and life is good. I do not have to get to know people, just let them see what they need to or what I choose for them to see. That can be the good thing. No way for them them to hurt me. I can remain alone as it should be with very few that will I will allow to know who and what I am. A person is good and people are Sheep. They Panic at the drop of a hat while a person will use his curiosity to learn and understand. Fix what is wrong and continue what is right. When we are Sheep Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Moa happen. When we are A person, Cures for disease, Flight, Computers, and those that will fight what is wrong happen. I choose to be a person.

This week has been one of local trips and no real road time. To is his usual cheerful self and I just let him rant and demand then tell him the reality of things, he then rips me a new one for there being no money. I hope it does not get nasty where I will have to sit down and show him on paper that by all rights we should be on the streets. The personal stuff for me has been cut back to the point that I have nothing. All is spent on the house and him. Regular stuff that is just frivolous. Food,Utilities,working car, Clothes for him. His cravings for Cigarettes, Pickles at $10.00 a Jar, Satellite T.V and of course a phone. The work for me has been slow and this week we will go into the hole for about 200. He cannot understand this. Simple, no work no pay. What is so damn hard to understand about that? The good news is lately he has had to finally after 11 Years start eating leftovers. I told hi flat out, if there id food to eat I WILL NOT COOK FRESH. He was surprised that the food bill went down. The bad side is now he wants all that pre-packaged crap. That is considerably more expensive and not as good for him as fresh made here at home.
His health is sliding fast. He sleeps all day and night anymore. He is up so few hours in the day. I just wish I knew what I could do. The Medical stuff keeps piling up and he just gets sicker. He hangs on for a while then gets tired of living and begins to slide. Then he gets scared he Will Die and tries to recover a bit. TO afraid to live and to afraid to Die.
The work side should be improving as we move into Spring. Looks like already for me are 2 NYC trips back to back and A Washington DC as well. Lots of the usual Spring tours and a real good Possibility of the Grand Canyon again for 3 weeks. I have also started putting feelers out for Entertainer work. The pay is good but it means months on the road. If Tom hangs on that long I cannot do it. I would by need have to be close to home. The road has been calling so strong these past few weeks. Out there I know Freedom, Peace, contentment. Life makes sense out there. Drivers are a hearty breed. Weeks on end alone or with Passengers that think they know us. They know what we let them know. When drivers get together around a Dinner table at a Truck Stop, we all have opinions. We solve he worlds problems together and act as if we have known each other all our lives. Then we climb aboard our Iron Horses and ride away. Sometimes to never see the same faces again. Many in my years have tried to become Truckers, Bussers, Travel Guides. So few can take the away from home, or the constant time with heads in Maps, Regulations, and all the we need to know to be effective out there. Then again it all makes sense to us. The Road is always there, to comfort us, Challenge us, and Yes sometimes cause us pain. Pain we understand and is not out of Malevolence to us. It is the Life on the road. When this section of my life ends, and I again must look out of the Front Door and choose. The road has a leg up. This time I may return for good and never look back

Well has been a few of the most interesting weeks. The weekend before this, I went to Boone NC on a ski Trip. Man I hate the cold. In the 5 days I was gone, Tom had a severe slide in health. When I returned on Monday, he was in bad shape. Tues afternoon he was placed in Hospice. Well a few days went by and he got some strength back and was able to realize where he was. As we learned on Thursday, he was as close to passing as he has ever been. Pneumonia had settled in him an was suffering from Oxygen starvation. He is now up to 5 liters and hour for O2 and will probably never get his voice fully back. The heart more than likely has taken on more damage. A trip to the Cardiologist will verify what we already know. Today he is much better and the slow work week has allowed me to be close by all week. Tomorrow is a 12-14 hour local here in Tallahassee. A days pay without going to far out. With any luck and the progress he is making right now, he should be able to come back to the house. We will need more visits to the house for sure. The weakness has progressed and he can no longer stand on his own. All things considered, he is doing well.

A New Year....Finally

Well the New Year has arrived and I hope for the best even though I may finish it alone. Tom's Health has dramatically worsen. Since the Heart Attacks, he was unable to work. No big deal I did as always and took on more weigh so to speak. The given up the Trucking job was real hard. The Company was great to me, knew I was Gay and dealt with it well. Not bad for a Company from Cairo ( Ka-Ro) Georgia. The miles were great and the Truck the best besides my Century Class ST. I still miss her.
Jake and Fozz-E-Bear are getting older and have given up being on the road. Jake I understand. February will be 13 Years I have had him. That makes him about 14 or 15. He was almost and Adult when I got him. Rescue of course. Fozz will be 10 this August.
Tom as mentioned has been not doing well. The list is now up to and including, Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, and a Neurological Disorder that WILL kill him when it hits the spine. Thie name is huge and common in long term Survivors of AIDS/HIV. This Christmas I hosted 14 People for Christmas. Small house and crowded to be sure but the odds are Tom had his last Holiday with Family. That is who was here. The brothers Sisters and there mates, as well as some Children. It was a lot of work but I had a great time. The 3 Days ALL were here reminded me of growing up and the controlled chaos of the Holidays. Got a whole lot of new respect for Mom as well. How she did this every Year for 30 Years I will never know.
Hospice is being good to Tom, however he is making it hard on all. He is showing early signs of Dementia, has been pushing Carl (care taker) and myself away so hard. He even told one Brother he was Single again. I long ago accepted this day was coming. As it gets closer I feel numb. Day to Day is the existence that grats me each morning. I go through the day go to bed and repeat. Tom is all focus outside of my regular Job driving Motor Coaches. In fact work is a release for me. So may say they admire what I am doing and ask how. I tell the truth, There but for the Grace of God go I. That simple. Tom sleeps all the time now. Is on oxygen almost all day. Confined to a Wheelchair now for good.
One day I would like to be able to plan for the future again. Soon maybe