Feeling lost again

Been a really good few weeks with work and all. Good Trips, good passengers. Tips have been surprisingly great. The sticking point again is Tom. He is getting more depressed of whats happening. He go his HOVEROUND and his grabber, the bedroom and kitchen re-arranged so he can get that thing around the house and all. The booster seat for the toilet. I am even putting up with him smoking in the house, the hours on the computer watching porn as well as the Jerry Springer marathons on the weekdays. None of witch I can stand. That is not enough. Now he wants a new computer, the van wheelchair equiped and he looks at me like I am shitting 500 dollar bills ever time I go to the bathroom. Even if I did I am sure he would want 1000 dollar bills. My whole life is on hold for him. All the money I earn and all my free time is for him. Doctors appointments, food in the house, caring for the dogs, cleaning the house and it never stops. Carl who is care taking him while I am on the road and living with us, dreads me going on multi day trips. Tom has him up and down all night. He sleeps when I am home and when on te road I sleep. it is really bad. He called one night to TELL ME EXACTLY what as coming out of the house so HE could get around on HIS scooter for HIS needs and HIS wants. The list finished left us one chair and a bed. The chair was of course the hoverround Well that did it. I let into him and said he needed to learn to drive the damn thing. I could not live in the house with no wear to sit unless on the floor. I then reminded him that the house had others living in it, and that if he learned to drive it, I would not have to worry about replaceing things like the waste basket and and the moldings on the door that he keeps tearing off. The doors are 5 inches wider than the widest part of that chair. I think when it comes down to it it bothers me most that he never says thank you or please. he just demands like a Queen. When the Wheel chair ramp was built by Carl my father and I...nothing. All he did was bitch about how much the wood cost that could have fixed the van. Well if he cannot get out of the house the van is a mute point is it not? One day I will figure it out, one day I will be dead too

This day of contemplation has been difficult. So much more so because of the date. Eight years ago we got hit hard. September 11th, 2001, a date that needs no explanation. Tom called in the early afternoon to inform me of the latest news from home and stuff. His final tid bit was that his legs have finally quit working. Knowing this was coming was one thing, having it here is another. He thinks that maybe he can get use one in a while but it is coming to an end. This leads to so many thoughts. One I will not write here yet. As known, this happened of course away from home and the caretaker is there. I just wish I knew what to do for him and in a selfish way..me

So long and I hope Never again

Once again life comes knocking on my door. Tom is doing really bad these days. Since the Heart attacks last Fall, his mental state has gotten worse and I am but a caregiver, not his mate. Normally it would be just a matter of Dealing and going on with life. People in my life however as always show me what is missing and what is to be lost. R.J. !!!!! What an amazing presence. We met and for what was expected, something else entirely happened. Jay has been my guide and mentor through the changes in Tom and I could not do it with out him. I proudly wear his gift to me. Hopefully, he will be proud of me as well. Was not for them I would be lost and trying desperately to find out who this body really belongs to. The Wolf of the Caregiver. Honor and Values fill both. The need to be with a pack that is true to those values is the purview of the Wolf alone. He needs to end the solitary path and join a pack of his own. Strange how so many have told me to just leave. R.J. and Jay, have been supportive of me and what needs to be done. Both keep me going and my spirits from crashing to the bottom. Would not know what to do if I did not have my owner and my Sir.