Well it has been a little bit since the last entry and definitely time for a new one. Things are not going well in the noggin area to be sure. The depression is definitely worse, and is not getting better. One more person tells me that “it gets better” or you’re just moody, and I will kill them. I am so tired of this stuff. Just getting up in the morning unless it is to drive, is getting old and ridiculous. Yesterday being World Aids Day, the survivors guilt was really bad. Why am I still here and they aren’t? Thom, Casey, Ed, Billy, and so many others. Way before they should have left. So young, and actually worth something in this world, Real beacons of Light in a Dark world. Me just a wondering soul with no direction at all. I give nothing to this place other than to drive. One location to the other, and back. Another lost soul among the others that roam our highways as Steel Horse cowboys’. We spend our days alone as it should be. When we finally make that last run, not missed or thought of, as it should be as well. Even my own parents have demonstrated by action how they feel about the Black Sheep. Mon said “ even one lost from the flock is one to many.” RIGHT!  Immediately after, she and Dad announced that they had to leave early, because one of the NORMAL sheep was in need. One she sees every day otherwise. Nothing new of course, but just more proof of how unimportant I am to their lives. I will spend this Christmas as I did Thanksgiving, Alone. Without Thom, I have no purpose, no direction, just no will to live. The past year and a half I lost the only place other than the road, I felt safe and secure. Then Jason works me over to the point of no repair I fear.  I seem to be incapable of feeling any emotion at all. I can mimic them so I can be in social situations, however, that is all it is. Jason hurt me more than I realized at first. Hurt in the sense of trusting someone. That is gone for good. He taught me that no one is worthy of trust. NO One at all. I wish I could at least have a reason to be here. Like the love of a good Dog or Wolf. At least their loyal and the trust they give us is real, as is the love. NO I love you but…..  This has been the way it was before Thom and as Jason has taught me, will be forever after him. Sad note on humanity but truth is truth.

Well sitting here in Bronson Florida and just wondering WHAT THE HELL IS THE ATTRACTION to football. I am in a small town about 25 miles from Gainesville. There are parents here who can name the ENTIRE lineup for 2011 Gators, but can’t remember their kid’s birthday. DAMN that is sad. I see football, especially in the South, as a Religion. A church if you will. The different schools that play each other, are the different Denominations of the Religion. One, hating the other. All for the throwing of a damn BALL. I hate this time of year. Friday nights spent in a High School Stadium Parking lot, watch “SHEEP” follow the team to victory or defeat. Each ( victory or defeat) one taken personally, as though life itself and the honor of the town was at stake.

  The level of this insanity is intensified on the college or Pro level. I say either, because, they say they do not pay the students. BULLSHIT!  Free travel, all the food they can eat, free tutors, lodging at specialized dorms, the list goes on . And on top of it all PER DIEM!!  I cannot believe  that this is not considered  PAYING them A lot of the GREAT players can barely tie their shoes or count to 21 unless Naked. Students at some of these schools that are studying REAL subjects, Engineering, Nuclear science, Teaching and so forth. THESE are the people that should be helped when needed. Real life skills that matter, not knowing how to shout GO WHOEVER, or the proper way to dance in the end zone. I will take a REAL student over an Athlete ANYDAY. Have there been some real students who PLAYED a sport. YES! They took the school work more seriously than the game book. They deserve respect and support.  

I have without question have had better days in the past. Today is better than most but still, to much time here at the house.  Tomorrow at oh my God Early I am off to Orlando for the day. Then Friday I am overnight  to Orlando. So far ,Sunday and Monday off.  That is not a good thing for me. Time has come to seriously re-think a whole lot of things. Job, Life, this house, and all that goes with it. Hell, I think it is time to reconsider even ties with family. I am acknowledged if needed, and left alone if not. This has gotten old beyond belief.

      The hard part of the job thing is not whether or not trucking can help, but is it worth the risk to my health in the long run. Having done this now for Thirty years, little hard to change careers for sure. Trucking is good, steady pay. Health Benefits, were now there is none. MUST be part of the decision. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life either. There is not much left of course, but that is not the point. Thom is now gone 17 months. I still miss him every day, love him as much as I did, and even when I remember how much of a pain in the ass he could be. He made life tough the last few months on everybody. When it was close to the end however, I think he knew what mattered, and who loved him. Yes it is selfish to want someone all things considered. I want someone there when it is my time to go. Strange thoughts for a 45 year old to be sure. Living this long with AIDS, my days are winding down and my body reminds me every day that the time grows near. Days come where taking on the world is to me a real possibility. Most times though, I fight to get to the end of the day. The road as always has been the salvation of  living. The freedom of the Blacktop, the miles of open road. Something of a Sanctuary to me. That too will end one day. There is not much else I can do except for some computer stuff, and lord knows I can cook. Wish I could parley that into a career even for a few years. YEA RIGHT!   Master tells me it will get better, for those that break the rules and lie and steal yes. For an Old school Leatherman like me, no chance. I believe in Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, and along side the ways of the Wolf, it is who I aspire to be. Strange how that my parents had to be kept in the Dark of that part of my journey, it was necessary.

     They have missed so much of my life and have no idea who I had become. My Sister and Brother…Strangers. I know the names of their Children, but do not know them. How sad. Eric is the one I worry about the most when I do think of him. He has no idea what this life is like when your cut off from family. I do. He is doing this on purpose, his own design. He will pay later. Nicole has tried but she has her life with Brian and her children. Brian and I definitely had our issues in our younger days. He has shown himself to be a man of character, Honor,and faith. He adores my sister and takes wonderful care of her. She does the same to him. I am so proud of them both, especially Nicole. I will not be missed when the time comes that I know. Just one day I hope they read this and realize how much I respect what they have, as well as have accomplished together. I hope that their life together is long, healthful, and full of Joy and laughter always.  I am proud of Eric as well but know so little that I will write on that I am proud of what he has made of himself. Well done. That is if for now. More could go here but that will happen in time. The writing will become more often, and longer at times shorter at others but all to put to paper so that maybe one day someone if not me, can make sense of the existence of mine. It sure is not a life. I hope that one day I can look back like the Velveteen Rabbit and know I was real.  Small Dream but there all I have left

Tampa is such a nice city. Somewhat clean and easy to get around in. However, it can also be cold and lonely even more so than that empty house of mine. Jason walks out and despite the relief I fell on one hand, I feel rejection like never before. When Thom died there was finality. We saw through to the end together, and as he wanted it, in his terms. Jason walks out to an ex and leads me to think (know) it was more than being a trucker’s partner. His ex makes more money, bigger home in a gated community, and freedom to play as he wants. That hurts more than if we fought all the time, or if we truly did not like each other. Thousand sin rent and car repairs, a new phone. Spending money and Cigarettes as he needed them. WOW what a fool I was for believing again in Life. SO be it. To face him that Sunday night full suppression of my emotions seemed needed. SURPRISE, my mind had already done it, this time I think for good. Who the hell needs them anyway? I find them interfering in normal operations of a day. Getting in the way of Logic and reason for a “feeling” that is nothing more than an illusion of our own creation. If they never come back…….GREAT! Who the hell needs them.

  The road is not much of a companion this trip. The road is still home and a true companion to me, it is the down time that gets me. So much time to think, re-think, and think some more. Jason, naturally consumed a lot of that time. Well that is now over and done and the “feelings” have been buried. As they should be. So the road has again brought me the peace I need in it’s usual way, HARD REALITY! He left me for perceived greener grass. Good luck and God Speed Jason. May life be kinder to you than it, and you were to me.  

  The ”some would say” darker side of my being has been allowed to surface. There it will stay. My Black Wolf will now run things as it most likely always should have.

Once more onto the Breech

Seems like just as life has started again, she bitch slaps me hard. Jason the one I wrote about before, just walked out on me Sunday. How nice 1200.00 in rent and moving. A new $400.00 phone, Furniture, he of course took with him, and a piece of me as well. Let us not forget making sure to be there on his Birthday, and cook for him as well. I believed him when he said he loved me. The phone bill reads otherwise. His Ex is the one who came to get him 28 hours after he told me he was having second thoughts. Thanks!  For knowing someone as long as I have how could I have been played so badly? Feeling as I did for him, was that what he used to his advantage? Did he truly love me and mean it when he said he could not be a trucker’s mate? I will most likely never know. Within the first day, e-mail change, phone number change, and drops of the grid. He thinks anyway. I go thte number the address and if needed the numbers to his family and his ex at work home and Mobile. Nice to have High Friends in low places. Let him back out on his promise of repaying for the phone. I will have it fried by remote. It is mine after all. Strangely, I am doing OK. I think that part of me that is the Wolf knew it was coming and shielded me from the coming hurt by not letting me fully connect to him. Yes, he collared me, told me it was for good and that he would ALWAYS take care of me. So much for words. I am once again single and alone in what seems like a big house. The new to me 5^th wheel is fully in my name so no worries there. The one he had to live in an “find himself” in. I guess in finding himself, he also found the strength to leave me. He says he wants to stay friends. Well he sure made sure I could not reach him very quickly after he left. Like I did not know that would happen. So be it.

   The road is once again the only constant in my life as far as steady and consistent normal in my life. Since Thom died in June 2010, it was all I had till Jason. Jason showed me without question I will never have another Thom, and the road is where my life belongs, for good. I will drive until I cannot. Be it health or age if Ilive that long. AIDS may see to that sooner than I will admit but screw it! I am already so far ahead of the game it is not funny. Doctor’s said I would not live to see the year 2000. OOPS!  Guess they misread the expiration date, like they always do. Would be nice to have a dog again, a species that knows what loyalty means. Unless I drive truck again or retire from the road it will not be a good idea for the Dog.  Life goes on and so do I, until the day I return to sky, ti the Rainbow Bridge as my first rest, and me those dogs that loved me best.   

Thoughts of Life and the road

 The spirit that backs me up feels like this

 A wonderful Soul, now gone from this world and my life, my precious Jake

 The one thing left in my life that matters

Jake about a week before he passed, he now waits for me at he Rainbow Bridge


The days have gone by and as always life goes on. Jake (my precious baby) left us now two months ago. I had a decision to make and I did. He was in pain and needed my help and oddly my permission to leave. He surprised me by only needing my permission not my help. When I got to the Vet, before she could do anything, he passed in my arms quietly and with my love to take with him to the other side.  I miss him because he was there through so much, My first run in with AIDS, Thom the whole journey and having Fozz-E with us for his life. Jake even saved my life several times, I owe that precious soul so much. Life is not the same with him gone, or the greetings when I got home and he reminded me how special he was and that nothing else mattered but food, water and a good belly rub.  
   The top picture is a a good representation of how I see myself. A frail looking front, but so many forget to look behind, and get attacked by that Wolf that I am. So much so anymore I live my name. I AM WOLF! I have started seeing people again. ( WITH MUCH PUSHING) One in particular is Jason. He is Leather like me and also Poz, which eliminates a lot of problems right off the bat. He is a signed Music Artist and a damn good one. I have been listing to his stuff for a long long time even before we started dating. I love him and more important I like him.  There is so much I still hide from him out of a defense reaction but it will pass in time. He had a lot of Demons to face before we could go foward and has for the most part. He is doing well and so am I. My one love left is the big Green thing that says Astro on it. I drive for a living and like to think I am a damn good one, not the best, but working toward it.  A prisoner of the  Highway means that Jason is learning first hand what a truckers widow is. It cannot be easy on him by a long shot. I try to help but, there is only so much I can do. 
 My leather side is full on never to be suppressed again. Jason is also Leather, thank god. The Wolf is on all the time and is no longer in the shadow. Screw with me and you may get Mauled. 
     Family is the same, they have there lives and I have mine. So nothing new there.
Here is sample of Jason's work. DAMN he is good. JAson's work  

Been to long once again

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Been to long once again

Well once again it has been months since the last posting. It was a weird time for me between then and now. Many ways still is. I am finding that I am not so much coming to terms with Thom,s passing as I am getting used to it. THe house is of course empty when I return from the road. Jake is still around but lives out at the camp while his Master runs the roads earning money for his and my food. The funny thing is about Jake, he will NOT go into that house anymore. When Thom passed that was it. Have to admit that Jake is doing better out there and is actually enjoying it a lot. Not bad for a 15 year old dog. I am going to try and get better at writing more and not just when I am feeling down. Today for example I started a 50 day trip. The trip is for a Broadway traveling company doing the show Avenue Q. Should be a lot of fun. Right now just deadheading out to Montana to meet them. THe show will finish up with me in Huntsville Alabama on or about April 23rd. So this should be fun.

Posted by Wolf at 8:36 PM

Feeling like the Outsider I am

Today here in Worcester Mass, was a strange day. Met Mom and Dad and Aunt Anita here at the hotel. We had a great visit and a wonderful lunch.
I am feeling thought like how Aunt Lydia must feel at times. A life outside of the Council of 12, but related to it. I mean it has been over 20 years since I left Boston. Only in the last few (2006-now)have they been even in a small part of my life. Thom was a huge part of getting them back in my life. However, there is still the 12+ Years that they had nothing to do with me. I evolved and grew on my own, for better or worse. They know nothing of the few friends I do have and still do not want to know. My life in Leather,Cooking, and the times we have met on the road as I criss-cross the country. THom had me at the end and his family. Who will I have. After all the end is close

Well once again it has been months since the last posting. It was a weird time for me between then and now. Many ways still is. I am finding that I am not so much coming to terms with Thom,s passing as I am getting used to it. THe house is of course empty when I return from the road. Jake is still around but lives out at the camp while his Master runs the roads earning money for his and my food. The funny thing is about Jake, he will NOT go into that house anymore. When Thom passed that was it. Have to admit that Jake is doing better out there and is actually enjoying it a lot. Not bad for a 15 year old dog. I am going to try and get better at writing more and not just when I am feeling down. Today for example I started a 50 day trip. The trip is for a Broadway traveling company doing the show Avenue Q. Should be a lot of fun. Right now just deadheading out to Montana to meet them. THe show will finish up with me in Huntsville Alabama on or about April 23rd. So this should be fun.