So long it seems in to short a time

Well has been an interesting run to say the least. Seems that BOA is still trying to get the house even though the loan was illegal, they just don’t care. Last night I had a fire here at home.(AKA the Campground) for the second anniversary of Thom’s passing. He so loved a good fire and last night was perfect for it. How fitting, that it was just the Fire, Thom’s spirit, and me. No one came to the Fire, so it was just the two of us. Thom’s Memory and I. Things should be getting easier, but there not. I miss him more and more every day.  I always go back to the fact that I have been walked out on by all but him. He stuck it out. The good, the bad, and Lord knows the ugly. Was he perfect?  LOL, not by a long shot. He loved to play, and hunt so to speak. He did come home and sleep with just me when it was all said and done. I knew he was like this before I said Yes to him. I had my troubles at times with it but kept going because he did, and bottom line, he did truly Love me.

  I am trying these days to get myself on Disability. Lord knows I am qualified and ready now but I have some things working against me. I am a White Male, and born here in the United States, and of course I have ethics. So who knows how long it could take. I have been told off the record if I was from India or Mexico, I would be on it tomorrow. The other trick isif I was already on unemployment. Seems that as the 99 weeks runs out, the recipients are transferring to Disability and GETTING IT!  Well that of course has the side effect of for those that need it, cannot get it. I finds myself looking to get long haul work again. I would prefer Entertainer Coaches, but if I have to go back to Trucking, I will. I still have to support myself whether it be on disability, or working till I drop, like Thom did. Seems that the choices are slowly narrowing. There is nothing worse than having your back pushed up against the wall.

 There of course, has been good as well. I got one of those Paid Vacation Trips I enjoy so much. To the Florida Keys. Big Pine to be exact. Well, having a few days off I caught the City Transit into Key West and made a day of it. While there I danced in the Street singing to Backstreet Boys with some Cruise ship people. Later that afternoon, I met up with Great friends for a late lunch and some good time together on Duval Street. I felt like my old self for a while. The broken down trucker with 4 Million miles on him melted away, and I was enjoying life. That night back at the Motel in Big Pine, I realized that a lot of the pictures from the day I had this bizarre shit eating grin on my face. Did not take long to come to the conclusion that Thom in Sprit, had been with me all day long and was there beside me walking Key West. Felt so good to know he drops in from time to time to check up on me. I have tried dating as he wanted me to but…..

My God, I have never been so disenchanted by people in my life. It was all about them, not what I may even be thinking let alone wanted. I guess Loyalty and Love mattered only to the one man who Stayed. Will, Keith, both left me cold. One I had to make it look like I left, or it was going to kill us both. They led me to Thom. We went through Life and Death together. Mine and his. As bad as things got in 2004-05, he stayed and cared for me. I still feel a guilt that he saved my life, and in the end, all I could do was help him let go of his. Still bothers me to this day. I knew he could not get better as did he. Still I feel as though I let him down. I only hope to know love again before my time

Well it seems these day have been both an enigma and yet so simple indeed to understand. The Enigma is where do I go from here?  The Simple is just to enjoy the passing of time and the simple yet needed pleasures that make life enjoyable.

  One of those simple pleasures was so easily seen yesterday in Key West. I took the city bus into Key West from Big Pine Key and just enjoyed the view and being the passenger. Walked Duval and Truman Streets. Enjoyed Milky Way Cappuccino, and a Banana Nut Muffin. Shortly thereafter, a nice stroll to the Sunset Pier. A Carnival cruise ship was in and unloading tourists for the stop off the day.

This may not seem like a lot to someone, aside from that I was alone. Walking the streets of places I go alone is not unusual. Today was very different. The presence of Thom was with me everywhere I went. The Sandals on my feet, the cane I used, were all his. This bizarre sheepish grin on my face all morning, and early afternoon.  Even in front of 808 Duval I broke into dance with a song from the backstreet boys with other people there on Duval Street for crying out loud. So much fun. Well, it got better even than that.  The afternoon and early evening was with “family”. Real family. The kind you would give your life for.

 Bruce and his Husband Paul are such people. The time together just being, was priceless to me and they may never know how much they made the day just perfect. So long it has been since I could honestly say, “Today is a good day to Die”. I do now and always will be grateful for the joy and peace they bring to my life. Thank you for a perfect day in evryway.

Today has been a tough day with mowing the lawn and all the Laundry from the week but I got through it. Tonight, well actually this evening I pack for a 5 day the Keys. I have made more than a few people upset with me "overdoing" it here at the house and on the road with my health the way it is right now, but sad to say, I am here there not. I must have money to eat. Being a White US Citizen, and Male I am screwed when it come to getting help in a timely manner from SSI. I do not expect anything to be easy with them to say the least. I am sure I will get it but how many hoops to jump through is truly a different story. 
   The Lawn went well. Took Several breaks for water and all plus added Salt now and then. When finished I got to the house, hosed off real good, then ran the errands I needed to have done prior to departure for the Keys. Then I went to Petsmart to check out the adoption's that may have been there. OH MY WORD!, there were so many. Today in Tallahassee was Tails and Trails. So all the big guns were out. The most beautiful 8 year old LAb was there an I almost took him home. He needs a good home to grow old in and I have the one for him. Still on the road a lot right now, it is not a good idea. I will be keeping my eye on him and his progress for sure.
  The Leather side of me is disappointed that IML is not an option this year. Could very well be the last one I am ever able to attend. Mama is going to be there, and of course it is her Birthday.I so wanted to see her and let her know that here "wolf Trucker" is OK and making it. 
  I hope soon to be off the road for at least a while to truly get a chance to recover, but we shall see

WOW!  The difference a few months can make. I had spent sometime going over old blogs and realized I was heading for a date with a gun to the head if not worse. I would have seen it as an answer in that state of mind no question.
  Well during a trip leading up to Easter Weekend, I had a real bad scare. I got super sick and barley made it back to the Barn. Then on top of that, I booked off the next few days, which I NEVER do. I spent Good Friday, and Easter weekend at home. Dad was coming down from Boston soon and I was glad. Dad is my best friend and I needed him to talk to. Well the Best Friend did not show but my Father DID. Turned out I needed him more than a friend. We have always been upfront with each other in my years since teenager. He knows how bad things are or how good. He can ask me questions and knows I won't hold back. This is needed. Mom did not come down this time. I love my Mom, but Dad and I could not have been as open or frank if she had been here. We covered and amazing amount of territory over the 9 days he was here. The results are good.
  I am going into retirement, and shutting down my life on the road. Thirty Years and 4 Million Miles is long enough. Pretty neat for 45 years old. The body is showing the abuse of the road and almost 20 years of HIV/AIDS related problems and it is time. I will always tell wanna be Truckers something along this line. The road will reject you almost right away if she does not like you. However, if she likes you, she asks for only one thing in return......YOUR LIFE!  I made a good living on the road. Bought a house, ran a successful trucking company that I owned,and when it came time, made sure Thom could die at home.
  Dad showed me that now it is time to look after me and do what Thom did not do. Live a life after working. Thom worked until he couldn't, and I always will respect that choice. The time after he could not work was all decline. Slow loss of all function and at the end total dependence on friends and I. I did have my days where I wanted to run and run fast, but stuck it out because he was my Mate. Thom would hate to see me go the same way. Dad as much said so. So the new life is in the beginning  stages. 
     First is to back away from the road. That is already happening. Next is to get on SSI, I need to go that route sadly as the body is truly not in great shape. I am 40+ pounds under weight right now, and have trouble getting around. The house is still an issue but not like it was. I could walk a way and be OK with it. Strange in fact, I am OK with all the changes that are needed. Thom is probably looking down and saying about time. The 5th Wheel is a good size and comfortable. Southern Comfort Camp is a great place, and has great people in it Full Time, and those that come on weekends. 
   I am at peace there. Welcome, and taking care of. I get to cook again. Relax when I need it or "putter" when I want to. The hardest part has been to finally let people not just offer the help, but actually take it. Should be a needed change, strange for me, but needed, and actually welcomed.  

Here I sit in the parking lot of Sea World in Orlando Florida. Way to much time to look back on a life that is beginning to enter the final stages of being. I look at a failed existence. I used to matter. Owned my own buisness, had a HOME not a house that I was proud of and a real family. Thom was the biggest success of my life. He loved me, and Yes we had our troubles, everyone does, he was my life. Our beautiful Dogs Jake and Fozz-E-Bear, our own little family. Then came the punch line. Thom has two heart attacks that trigger a down slide he would never come back from. Fozz-E passes then Thom, then a year later Jake. My World all gone except for the ever present Road. Even that now looks as though it will be taking away from me, soon, as well as my very life. No real loss when I look at it. What mark have I left, what legacy of ANY kind has this soul left that will be more than a name on a Death Certificate. NONE!  I will be just a name that in time will be forgotten and the names of those I was trusted with to keep there Memories alive. Thom, Casey, Bill, Rob, Robert, Billy, Lucy, Dana, and the list goes on. There are those that will see my passing as a good thing, just another dead faggot. Some family will morn, briefly, then I will be a dust off thought for Holidays. Never a Best man, never a God Father, never a Father. Hell it is doubtful that this will ever be read and will be lost to cyberspace and time. Just the rantings of a guy who needed an outlet for what he was thinking and feeling. Not that anyone cares or would care. I leave this entry with one regret. I never told Bruce how I felt when I should have. Who knows where I would have been, or if I would have even gotten AIDS. However, I will say this. Bruce did far better than me. Paul is everything I could be and more than I could ever be. Paul to you I leave a wish, Care for him as if he is your own life. He is worth it and will NEVER let you down. I leave to you both my love and my hopes that a World better than it is now will be there for you always.

Well NYC till tomorrow

     Well I have now been in the NYC area since Thursday night. OH MY GAWD!!!! I hate driving in this city. Congestion, bad drivers and Motor Coaches have no reason to be in Queens!  The group I am with, the FSU Choral Singers, are pigs. They may be good on stage, but lord I would hate to see where they live if this is how they take care of my Bus. I could not wait to get them off the bus yesterday and start my time away from them. Today I took 5 33 Gallon trash bags of crap of my Bus. This is the 5th time this trip!  DAY one the filled the holding tank for the Emergency restroom. The Holding AND the drop tank. I managed to get it serviced, but they better go lightly on the way home. We are traveling on the weekend, and NO place will be open to service it. I have warned the relief driver that if they fill it, lock the door because they will piss and shit into containers, and  try to HIDE them. Success has not been theirs for sure on hiding messes this week. 


    Long Day tomorrow, 600 mile day. I am looking forward to it. The group has had no respect for scheduling or appointment times at all. However, I am sure on the way home they will be all about go go go! We will Driver change in Fayettville NC and then I sleep get up and finish heading into Tallahassee. Monday off, then at it again. Works for me


   Mom and Dad are on there countdown to launch, and head South for a while. Will be nice to see them indeed. I am doing a "Goodbye" trip this summer to Boston. So many Family in the "DEATH POOL" right now because of illness or just age. Yes, I am on the list as well for this year. Things not going well. Maybe Jason doing as he did and turning me off from dating EVER again is a good thing. I won't be responsible for having someone fall in love and then have to watch me die. That would be more cruel than what Jason did to my heart.

Time for another entry. Here it is the beginning of March, and I am in Delaware for the night. Right now Wilmington, then on to Newark for the night. This group is driving me crazy. The supposed leader is a bigger kid than the students. Example tonight. He realizes that he has NO SLEEPING ACCOMMODATIONS for the Group other than 7 out of 51 people. He then cancels my room before he secures another. This is ridiculous. The next big move is tomorrow into NYC for a concert in Queens after some sight seeing in Manhattan. They planned there trip as if I could cross Manhattan as easy as they cross a street in Tallahassee, Fl. 

   The Doctors' visit was not my best, Counts are not coming down and that "Growth" on my backside is not going away. The Nuropathy is definitely advancing fast. I have been using the cane a lot more than usual, and it really irks me to no end. I guess this is all part of it. 

 The Bank is once again trying for the house, based on an illegal loan and it is pissing me off. The IRS is again going after money that was settled 8 Years ago. I am about ready to call it quits and just hang it all up and say fuck it all. ENOUGH DAMIT!!!! ENOUGH! 
  
  Things in the emotional department not better either. JAson did such a number on me. I don't laugh, cry, feel anything at all actually. 

  Today However was a great day. I saw my Master and it was a great thing indeed. We met up at Union Station and had lunch together. This just made our day. His hands are so full right now, and for him to take the time to be with me was priceless for me. So good to see him and actually let me feel something. Love, Concern and peace.

  Well soon the concert will be over and I have to take these unorganized Children all over Delaware to be housed. I hope sometime this night I get some rest. I hope     

Well, one week ago tonight, while I was in Orlando, Whitney Houston Died. She was a Woman of incredible talent, as well as setting dome impressive musical records along the way. Her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, will with out question be right up there with Kate Bush, maybe even better. It was a troubled time for the United States, and we were looking at War in the Middle East. Her rendition was amazing, and brought the country to it's feet. 
Sadly, like most star's, she gave into the temptation of Drugs and Alcohol. A week has gone by and you would think that the President of the United States had died. The open crying, people screaming here name at the casket as if she would sit up and wave at them. GOOD LORD, get a life people. I have met many a soul in this world that are remembered only by myself, or a precious few that acknowledge their lives.  My late husband, and my dear friend Casey are examples. There is a Star named for him. Most will be of the mind, Who the hell is that? So be it. He left this world have spent the remaining years of his life dealing with AIDS and the complications of it, as did Thom my Husband. Casey showed me how to live with a disease that I would soon have, and not die from it. He was poor, had few possessions, and all he had to give was his love and his friendship. We could not get enough of it. When he Passed, the hall was packed. Not because of WHO he was but What he was. A man who had unconditional love for his friends. Love for all who met him, and most of all a teacher. Thom, gave me even more. The Honor of becoming my Mate, and the Honor of helping to die at home with Dignity, and Love around him. These people are to be praised and loved. They truly touched your lives and became part of them. I did not have to join a fan club, buy albums, concert tickets at ridiculously high prices, and see that money got o a destructive way of life. These are the real hero's in this world. Those who give freely everything that is not money or things. They gave love, kindness, and when needed a good slap upside the head to put yours back on straight. I miss them both deeply and soon will be with them again. I have an address book full of names, I am all that is left. It is a list of real people who walked this earth and brought a piece of themselves everywhere to share with others. I am blessed to have know them, and honored to be the carrier of there memory.

Caching up

Once again to long on the writing. Good Lord, you would think that by now with Life I lead there would be something every day. Oh Well. As I am writing this without looking up past posts, I will wing it.

Brief cover: August 30^th I lost my precious Jake, the love of my love aside from Thom. Sixteen years old, and still getting around. The last few months leading into August, the walking had become labored and obviously painful for him. He made such a great show of it for me, when I came home from work or just food shopping. The decision to take him to the Vet for evaluation, knowing what they would tell me, scared me silly. We.  arrived, they took him back to “prep” him and then came back in to ask questions. I beat them to it. Can he be helped, can the pain be eased, is this the only option, how can I help him live longer. Then they told me what I needed to know, not wanted to hear. There was not much they could do that would at more than a month or two before the pain came back. I said OK, and before they could give him the Shot, he died in my arms. The little shit wanted to know I was letting him go. So he left. I so miss him, Fozz-E, and of course my Thom. Life without them has been and existence, not life.

Jason had come into the picture about 1 month earlier. He will go down as one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life. He has also given me reason to NEVER , date again, and stay the Lone Wolf trucker that I am. He took a 300.00 phone, my Aircard for wireless, Coveralls, and my trust, faith, and hope for Humans’. He stole my love, and left me with nothing. SO be it and I hope life is better to him than he was to me. Twenty-six hours of driving so I would be there when he woke up on his Birthday. Thousands in rent, food, Cigarettes, and spending money, all gone. I learned my lesson. Never again.

 The road as always has been great for me, a refuge if you will. Great trips since he left me for his EX. Weeks on the road, good tips, and no calls that he was running short of money, needed this, needed that, or calls of come get me NOW! I don’t like it here. Some recent rips that have been great were, FSU Theatre, FSU Equestrian riding team, and Lincoln High School Thespians. Great trips. Soon to come will be the Moscow Ballet for at least 7 days. The spring brings NYC and Washington DC, as well as others. I drive the same bus know a lot, and I like that. Good to get to know how your equipment runs and sounds on a regular basis. Astro is really good to me, and I work with great people. They are Professionals  on the road, and although we have our differences, we NEVER show a group of passengers that anything is wrong(if there is) or the such. WELL DONE GUYS!

 The house might finally get the work on it needs. Here is hoping. The Medical front is a different story. Neuropathy is advancing and will take my legs someday in the future, should I live long enough. So here is to tomorrow and me being here. The road needs me and I him. to Top it all, after two years Bank wants to sue for a house on an ileagal morgage. Sp time to Die