Which way to look

Well things are looking better if not just weird. IT seems I have gone from no choise to too many. Nice feeling though. It seems that I will be aitting down and talking a lot with my partner. I will not do anything without hs concent. Should he ever feel as though it is to much for me,(going back out on the road)I WILL QUIT! I cannot risk getting so sick again. Granted, I got so sick from running to hard,no medications,and my personality had begun to change badly. This of course was a result of the VIrus itself. Well the nice thing is that we caught it in time and were able to come back. It took a year and a half but , I AM BACK. I am also myself again. Well at least the NEw Year holds more promise than the old one did. We shall see.

 

I give up

I am getting pissed with this set up. I live and, I find myself wishing now I had not. I am trying to get myself back into the work world, one because I can, two because I like to work. My health has come back enough so I can work again and mabye get my carear of and running again. Well now all the peole who know I am sick and 1 gnats hair from bacnrupty, want money NOW. Well they keep it up and they will be SOL because I willeither drop dead or file. Then it is oh shit. Screw it, I am just going to go to bed. I hope I have some sleep stuff here

Resting and preping

I am now sitting queitly watching West Wing and getting dinner ready. Nothing fancy, just Some homade Gniocci and sauce with salad. Blanking out here will write again later

Whatever

Just another day again. Really wonder if it was worth all the effort my friends and my beloved partner to keep me alive.

Better today

Well I feel a little better this fine Sunday. It rained all day but I really did not mind it so much. Last night was family night. Those friends we both call our family. There are very few, 8 in all 4 that live right here with us in town. SO last night we had our Christmas get together and everyone is broke, worried about tomorrow and that, but we had a good time and just gald to be alive. Especially me. All of them finally admited that they di not think I would be around for this Christmas. I tokd then as honestly, that I did not think I would be heare either. So it was a good night for all of us to be together and just laugh, and visit and be silly. Alice surprised us all b paying for the whole meal. Ddidn't even tell us she was doing it until after. What a great surprise from her. Love you ALice very much.

   Today i felt creative so I made Dutch MEatloaf with Scalloped potatos. My own reciepe. Also got eggplant peeled and salted to leach out the bitter so I can start on my Parmigian for Saturday, and got my Ricota filling done for stuffed shells. Now though just resting getting ready to take my shot and, go to bed. I am really wiped out tonight. GO figure.

BEtter looking today

Well at least I slept well last night. So to speak.With so much on my mind it is getting harder to sleep through the night. My partner has been going crazy as well. I think he is worried I will start acting like I did over the past YEar. The illness caused a distinct personality change. Really worried him and my friends. At one point I was actually considering suicide. Me of all things to think of. I am remembering more of what happened during that time, and I am so embarrassed to think this was going on. It is just not ME!

Well today We go shopping for gifts and such for our "family" here in town. They are called family because of how close we have all gotten to each other over the years. I owe them so much. From sticking with me through the worst of this disease, and just being there for me. I have that so rare in my life. We are the ones who always seem to get leaned on, and we ourselves have no where to go for a little help. That is why my Family here is so important to me.

    I have family up north(blood kind)but, they all have there own lives 1500 miles from here. I do not regret being that far away. A long time has gone by(16 Years) were I was alone. One Aunt though has always been there for me. Thanks Aunt Anita. Maybe someday the light at the end of the tunnel will not be a train next time. Yea right! Well time to get my crap together for the day. I am hosting Christmas here for my partners family and  the "misfits" that we call friends. I mean that with love and kindness. They. Like myself, have no family to go to or place to go. THey do with me here..always.

 

Finally

I am getting ready for bed. Meds arived just in time. I had used my last dose of Fuzion this morning and was notreally expecting things to improve. Seems I play by the rules and get screwed for it everytime. Some day I hope that light at the end of the tunnel won't be another freight train. Seems it happens that way sooften i flinch at the thought of waking up anymore. Well the shot is finally ready for me to take and I am tired as Hell be quite a day. House need swork I cannot afford, and because I lived, instead of dying. It is even tougher to try and get back my life as it was.

WOndering if I should have survied

Well today is day one of this adventure into my soul. I figure someday it will make sense to me if not any one else. I have been quite sick the past few years and now am slowly returning into the world as a productive person again.

Having AIDS is an up and down battle all the time. Some good days, some bad. Today was a bad day. In order to keep my house, I had to make choices. Pay Credit cards and such, or the morgage. Well no hard choise there. Well the heat pump is on the wa out(gone acually) and I cannot even get a loan enough to replace it. So I may not have heat the rest of the year or A/C this summer. Living in Florida it is the heat I can deal with, not the cold. We shall se were this goes, but I am begining to think that I should have given in to this malady this summer and just die instead of fighting it. Who knows.