Here I sit in the parking lot of Sea World in Orlando Florida. Way to much time to look back on a life that is beginning to enter the final stages of being. I look at a failed existence. I used to matter. Owned my own buisness, had a HOME not a house that I was proud of and a real family. Thom was the biggest success of my life. He loved me, and Yes we had our troubles, everyone does, he was my life. Our beautiful Dogs Jake and Fozz-E-Bear, our own little family. Then came the punch line. Thom has two heart attacks that trigger a down slide he would never come back from. Fozz-E passes then Thom, then a year later Jake. My World all gone except for the ever present Road. Even that now looks as though it will be taking away from me, soon, as well as my very life. No real loss when I look at it. What mark have I left, what legacy of ANY kind has this soul left that will be more than a name on a Death Certificate. NONE!  I will be just a name that in time will be forgotten and the names of those I was trusted with to keep there Memories alive. Thom, Casey, Bill, Rob, Robert, Billy, Lucy, Dana, and the list goes on. There are those that will see my passing as a good thing, just another dead faggot. Some family will morn, briefly, then I will be a dust off thought for Holidays. Never a Best man, never a God Father, never a Father. Hell it is doubtful that this will ever be read and will be lost to cyberspace and time. Just the rantings of a guy who needed an outlet for what he was thinking and feeling. Not that anyone cares or would care. I leave this entry with one regret. I never told Bruce how I felt when I should have. Who knows where I would have been, or if I would have even gotten AIDS. However, I will say this. Bruce did far better than me. Paul is everything I could be and more than I could ever be. Paul to you I leave a wish, Care for him as if he is your own life. He is worth it and will NEVER let you down. I leave to you both my love and my hopes that a World better than it is now will be there for you always.

Well NYC till tomorrow

     Well I have now been in the NYC area since Thursday night. OH MY GAWD!!!! I hate driving in this city. Congestion, bad drivers and Motor Coaches have no reason to be in Queens!  The group I am with, the FSU Choral Singers, are pigs. They may be good on stage, but lord I would hate to see where they live if this is how they take care of my Bus. I could not wait to get them off the bus yesterday and start my time away from them. Today I took 5 33 Gallon trash bags of crap of my Bus. This is the 5th time this trip!  DAY one the filled the holding tank for the Emergency restroom. The Holding AND the drop tank. I managed to get it serviced, but they better go lightly on the way home. We are traveling on the weekend, and NO place will be open to service it. I have warned the relief driver that if they fill it, lock the door because they will piss and shit into containers, and  try to HIDE them. Success has not been theirs for sure on hiding messes this week. 


    Long Day tomorrow, 600 mile day. I am looking forward to it. The group has had no respect for scheduling or appointment times at all. However, I am sure on the way home they will be all about go go go! We will Driver change in Fayettville NC and then I sleep get up and finish heading into Tallahassee. Monday off, then at it again. Works for me


   Mom and Dad are on there countdown to launch, and head South for a while. Will be nice to see them indeed. I am doing a "Goodbye" trip this summer to Boston. So many Family in the "DEATH POOL" right now because of illness or just age. Yes, I am on the list as well for this year. Things not going well. Maybe Jason doing as he did and turning me off from dating EVER again is a good thing. I won't be responsible for having someone fall in love and then have to watch me die. That would be more cruel than what Jason did to my heart.

Time for another entry. Here it is the beginning of March, and I am in Delaware for the night. Right now Wilmington, then on to Newark for the night. This group is driving me crazy. The supposed leader is a bigger kid than the students. Example tonight. He realizes that he has NO SLEEPING ACCOMMODATIONS for the Group other than 7 out of 51 people. He then cancels my room before he secures another. This is ridiculous. The next big move is tomorrow into NYC for a concert in Queens after some sight seeing in Manhattan. They planned there trip as if I could cross Manhattan as easy as they cross a street in Tallahassee, Fl. 

   The Doctors' visit was not my best, Counts are not coming down and that "Growth" on my backside is not going away. The Nuropathy is definitely advancing fast. I have been using the cane a lot more than usual, and it really irks me to no end. I guess this is all part of it. 

 The Bank is once again trying for the house, based on an illegal loan and it is pissing me off. The IRS is again going after money that was settled 8 Years ago. I am about ready to call it quits and just hang it all up and say fuck it all. ENOUGH DAMIT!!!! ENOUGH! 
  
  Things in the emotional department not better either. JAson did such a number on me. I don't laugh, cry, feel anything at all actually. 

  Today However was a great day. I saw my Master and it was a great thing indeed. We met up at Union Station and had lunch together. This just made our day. His hands are so full right now, and for him to take the time to be with me was priceless for me. So good to see him and actually let me feel something. Love, Concern and peace.

  Well soon the concert will be over and I have to take these unorganized Children all over Delaware to be housed. I hope sometime this night I get some rest. I hope