To long again

IT has been way to long again as always. THink s have just been that crazy and to be honest down right depressing. Tom's main merves in his legs have died. The Doctors have no idea why they did, or for that matter why he is even walking anymore. TOm was swimming and went to cros the pool and looked more like he was drwoning. When asked what happened he finally admitted that if he cannot see his feet, he can't walk. SO apperently he walks from memory only.

 I tried my hand at entertainer coaches again. That went well.....NOT!! I got stiffed 1200.00 in the trip. SOme forey into that again. Needed the money too. Things are getting beyound tight and I am at wits end of what to do. The last alternitive is fast becoming the only one......OTR trucks again. I know that it will kill me in about 3 years or less. I have to do what I need to in order to survive and keep the house. Tom will be in a chair before a year has past. THe worst part is when I aked the Doctor the obvious, can it atttack the autonomic system, he said"ABSOULUTLY". So I could walk up one morning to find he stopped breathing. The nervous problem has progressed to affect his Bowels. So loss of control there is now afact of life. The one person I need ot talk to has his own life to worry about and I do not dare drop this on him. I miss him so much and know I should ask for his help, but HOW. Well time to get him to bed and then get ready for a nother road trip. I need help here and no where to look.

I am spent, done and alone

I am truly running alone again . The Wolf has risen to accept that. The one thing that has come out of the past few days, is well....One truth. I have had two souls cross the road I walk. These Souls on sight created a bond like no other every experianced before. One is no longer  walking on this world. AIDS took him. The other I am ashamed I never told how I truley felt. That is one mistake I will correct face to face.

Where we do we go from here

Well really, where do I go from here. I am running in Circles playing by the rules. Maybe I should just say "screw it" and play the same way people around me do. I would probely go a hell of a lot further that I am now. I try to be good to other, care, help when I can. What comes back to me.....CRAP, use and abuse of my nature, and a partner screwing everyone but me. Unable to get to the few that actually care. Real people who know me and are so much a part of that they know more that blood. The urge to run again has resurfaced. Powerful more than any other time it has come around. The urge to Just drop off the "grid" and go wherever the road goes or the trail. That is How I wound up in Tennessee for 6 months. This time it may be for good. The good in the world is NOT Humans in General, in fact I am surprised that GOD has not hurled this spinning excuse of a planet into the Sun yet. The Dogs, the wildlife that seems to follow me in the woods. Has happened so often lately. Fox. Coyote, even a beautiful Hawk that stayed by camp for the days I was there. Idaho has always held a particular place in my heart. Especially near the Bitterroot Mountains. Plenty of places there to go and be. Then there is the "other" option a friend has recommend. I would live a new life. The old one gone and forgotten.  Just being so set in my core beliefs, I do not know if I could just walk away from another life and start over again.

another birthday

Today has been good overall. Good group on tour here in Washington DC. Spending Independence Day in the Nations Capitol, and of course my Birthday,

  The hard part has been that Tom has not called all day and all I get is hi voice mail. Not that I am surprised, he is in the woods camping. The fact he did not call me really makes me wonder. I heard from Mom and Dad of course. Several Aunts and Uncles, as well as Sister and Brother. Steve the blonde version of me called. Will and Keith called. My god they called and not Tom. The bus group sang Happy Birthday. They found out when the heard my dad on the speaker phone when I thought the bus was empty. HIM nothing. He is going though some hard and difficult changes in his body. This has to be affecting him mentally as well. It is as he is living his life as though I am not here. I am a guest when home, at least that is how it feels at times.  Wondering where I stand is also not good. Leaving him is not an option. To me anyway. He would have to say it and mean it. There are those moments he will grab on to me in the night and hang on for dear life. Then get up in the morning and....nothing. He will go out of his way to avoid me at times and even act as though I am in the way. I love him deeply and worry about him. Just wish I knew what was going in in that head of his. I think thats the problem, he is using the wrong one.

Alone and Again I wonder

Well here I sit at home. Was wanting to go to the woods. He blew his stack and to keep the peace I stayed behind. This is getting beyond the point where he is enough to keep me here. I know myself well enough to know this. I will not leave. I was brought out by Old Guard. Honor above all else. Truth to yourself. That sounds so archaic in todays world. It is who I am so .....oh well. 

  Again I walked. Only the park area. There it happened again. A solatary Fox just enjoying the creek near the house. I live in the City but my neigborhoods unique style allows for animals to come deep into the city and out along a river bed. We stood looking at each other for a long while. Then calmly it retreated to the woods like it was leaving  a friend after a good long talk. The dogs are restless too. Jake especially. We know each other after 11 years. He knows the run instinct in me is strong. He cannot anymore. Wants to but cannot. I am here in a Small house that to me seems like a Palace with way to many rooms. Even last night our bed seemed enourmous. What the hell to do

Lfe moves as it will

Life has a way of reminding you how small you are,as well as how powerful you can be in this world. Once again I found myself in the position of a paid Vacation. The group went to Montreat North Carolina. As usual because of limited space for a large veichle, I stayed in Black Mountain about 3 miles away. With that kind of time, boredom can take over. Well that is where thanks to a special friend comes in. He reminded me about the power of life around me and the gifts that make us special.  So I trekked out into the woods. The trails around there are incredible. The Beauty is like no other place on earth. Shortly after I was able to hook up with a friend I know and we went back to his house to catch up. His place is on the river, and is a nice little retreat. While sitting on the bank, it happened again. The reminder of who I am. My name is no accident. Wolf fits and is a name that I grew with. Now it is the only name I respond to. While sitting there, a Fox came out of the woods on the opposite side and came down to the water. Such a beautiful member of the canine species. Kindred to the Wolf. It looked up as it realized that we where there. After looking straight into my eyes it, I felt as though we talked. He went back to a drink, and stayed there for a bit. When he had his fill, looked my way again, then trotted of in no particular hurry into the woods. Shortly there after, while walking the river Bank, It happened again. It was at that point my friend asked,"What is it with you and Animals?" Valid question for the event. That was the reminder of why I go to places like that. I have always been drawn to animals, not humans. In fact I fear humans. Strange thing to say but ,it is who I am.   Thus began an interesting few days. After these encounters, the path had been set for an interesting trip. What followed was spiritual.    While chatting with a friend on-line, we grew closer than I thought possible. I learned weshare so much. He will be on the road for a while so I will not be able to talk to him for about a week. That is OK because I carry him in my heart.  A special Soul with a marvelous heart, also got closer to me. VERY close. The reason I feel that it was needed at this timeis for what came later.  The 16th was 6 years since the ceremony that made me Tom's.  Resent events however, have led to the leash getting loose. Very loose.   I got in from Black Mountain,unloaded the coach,picked up Tom and the Dogs and left for the Camp. Being our anniversary, I wanted it to be special. Instead I felt like the leash had broken free. I hope that I am wrong.The events of the previous week have said otherwise. The Fox, alone in the woods at the river. My friends commenting on the Solitary nature of my life. Then this. I felt alone in my own bed with him. Am I crazy or is a change coming. Who knows. This much is certain. THe only reason I come back to Tallahassee, is him and the dogs. Mostly him because the dogs can travel with me.  Should the leash have truly been let go then where does that leave a wanderer. A Gypsy that in the back of the soul needs a grounding point. I have been lost on the road before. BIG DEAL. Lately I have been needing , what I do not know. However, the spirit in me knows this. The Wolf MUST be part of a pack. It is our nature. We can exist as a lone soul wandering,but we find ourselves lacking. There is one soul out there I must meet. I hope soon. Although we chat often and it always does me well to see him on-line. I need to feel his presence to know him as I should. Someday it will happen.    I am heading back to the woods I hope tomorrow if work is as slow as they think it is going to be. There will be no one there and I can have the dogs with me loose and naked in the woods. Freeing my mind in the sounds and smells of the deep woods, feeling and knowing that answers I seek will come if I Listen well. So here is to those answers. I am lost and need to know where to go. This Wolf is tired of being used so much. When I need, no one is there, not even Tom.

Fearful

The HArdest part of life is the Living. So a good friend of mine once said. His wisdom was undeniable. The way he lived proved that. He was not rich in money. However he was rich in ways that inspire his freinds and myself to live as he did. Feeling of want can cloud this from time totime and can lead you away from knowing who you are. Never loose that sence. Should you, you can be led by anyone to do anything.  Always be true to who you are. Not what others want you to be.

Regreats?

Once again I see the United States in real trouble. Today the lead 11 minutes of the news was friggin PARIS HILTON. Enough of that spoiled brat. We are at war, soldiers are dying, The Space Shuttle went into orbit. A Murderer is caught and the lead story? You got it..Paris Hilton. I see that I am going to have to do what I did during the Anna Nicole thing. Radio on Music only, TV off. I am sure that there are going to be enough people who will make sure I here about her wether or not I want to.    What a sad state of affairs, when Someone like Anna Nicole or Paris, are raised up as some sort of Icon.  Personally, I am beyond offended, and quite frankly pity them. Celebrity for being a Celebrity is beyound me. Are things so bad that we must loose ourselves in the likes of Roise, Paris and Anna Nicole. There are so many more important things  to concern with ad focus energy to. Like looking to the younger in our own community and helping them walk an easier road than we did.   I belive that it is our DUTY, to help others.

    

A trip of faith

As I prepare for a trip to the city of Chicago, I am nervous about going. My better half will not be going because he did not want to take the time off. I am gong to IML this year. The good thing is the travel is with a close friend. He will be my "firewall" while I am there and help to keep me on the ground. He has a monumental task a head of him. I call him Little D. more later. It seems as though the past few weeks as my partners condition in his legs worsens, He pushes me farther away. Plays and does not tell me. I am really worried about him. This morning was the end all. He almost said the final goodbye like I was never coming back. He is the reason I do come home and have not gone back into my wandering ways. I love the road, I am a true Prisoner of the Highway.  How else do you explain the need to return to Tallahasse, when the country is my playground. Soon I hope that Tom will relize he is why I return time and time again. Others have made advances, some right in front of him. Always refused. Someday he will see it, been almost 9 years. I hope soon

Strong winds strong Medicine

Again I find myself at the beginning of a busy travel season. Today is in Nashville. Specifically the Opryland Hotel. Interesting place. Nice but a little to austintatious for me. Things at home have not changed in the least. They have in fact gone heavier in certain aspects. The senstation problem in his legs and feet has progressed and now affects the way he walks and moves around. He can no longer feel anything in his feet at all. When I am home he does not clean up if I cook any more, Now I prep, cook, clean, and put away. He has become depressed over this and I am truly worried about how he is feelling and doig when I am not there. We shall see is all that can be said. The trailer is going to be moved soon to a semi-perment site so he can go as he wants and not have to go through the hassle od seting up and break down as well. I do not know how it will go. He has been all of a sudden wanting to even liveout there. Again we shall see