Well it has been a little bit since the last entry and definitely time for a new one. Things are not going well in the noggin area to be sure. The depression is definitely worse, and is not getting better. One more person tells me that “it gets better” or you’re just moody, and I will kill them. I am so tired of this stuff. Just getting up in the morning unless it is to drive, is getting old and ridiculous. Yesterday being World Aids Day, the survivors guilt was really bad. Why am I still here and they aren’t? Thom, Casey, Ed, Billy, and so many others. Way before they should have left. So young, and actually worth something in this world, Real beacons of Light in a Dark world. Me just a wondering soul with no direction at all. I give nothing to this place other than to drive. One location to the other, and back. Another lost soul among the others that roam our highways as Steel Horse cowboys’. We spend our days alone as it should be. When we finally make that last run, not missed or thought of, as it should be as well. Even my own parents have demonstrated by action how they feel about the Black Sheep. Mon said “ even one lost from the flock is one to many.” RIGHT!  Immediately after, she and Dad announced that they had to leave early, because one of the NORMAL sheep was in need. One she sees every day otherwise. Nothing new of course, but just more proof of how unimportant I am to their lives. I will spend this Christmas as I did Thanksgiving, Alone. Without Thom, I have no purpose, no direction, just no will to live. The past year and a half I lost the only place other than the road, I felt safe and secure. Then Jason works me over to the point of no repair I fear.  I seem to be incapable of feeling any emotion at all. I can mimic them so I can be in social situations, however, that is all it is. Jason hurt me more than I realized at first. Hurt in the sense of trusting someone. That is gone for good. He taught me that no one is worthy of trust. NO One at all. I wish I could at least have a reason to be here. Like the love of a good Dog or Wolf. At least their loyal and the trust they give us is real, as is the love. NO I love you but…..  This has been the way it was before Thom and as Jason has taught me, will be forever after him. Sad note on humanity but truth is truth.