Well sitting here in Bronson Florida and just wondering WHAT THE HELL IS THE ATTRACTION to football. I am in a small town about 25 miles from Gainesville. There are parents here who can name the ENTIRE lineup for 2011 Gators, but can’t remember their kid’s birthday. DAMN that is sad. I see football, especially in the South, as a Religion. A church if you will. The different schools that play each other, are the different Denominations of the Religion. One, hating the other. All for the throwing of a damn BALL. I hate this time of year. Friday nights spent in a High School Stadium Parking lot, watch “SHEEP” follow the team to victory or defeat. Each ( victory or defeat) one taken personally, as though life itself and the honor of the town was at stake.

  The level of this insanity is intensified on the college or Pro level. I say either, because, they say they do not pay the students. BULLSHIT!  Free travel, all the food they can eat, free tutors, lodging at specialized dorms, the list goes on . And on top of it all PER DIEM!!  I cannot believe  that this is not considered  PAYING them A lot of the GREAT players can barely tie their shoes or count to 21 unless Naked. Students at some of these schools that are studying REAL subjects, Engineering, Nuclear science, Teaching and so forth. THESE are the people that should be helped when needed. Real life skills that matter, not knowing how to shout GO WHOEVER, or the proper way to dance in the end zone. I will take a REAL student over an Athlete ANYDAY. Have there been some real students who PLAYED a sport. YES! They took the school work more seriously than the game book. They deserve respect and support.  

I have without question have had better days in the past. Today is better than most but still, to much time here at the house.  Tomorrow at oh my God Early I am off to Orlando for the day. Then Friday I am overnight  to Orlando. So far ,Sunday and Monday off.  That is not a good thing for me. Time has come to seriously re-think a whole lot of things. Job, Life, this house, and all that goes with it. Hell, I think it is time to reconsider even ties with family. I am acknowledged if needed, and left alone if not. This has gotten old beyond belief.

      The hard part of the job thing is not whether or not trucking can help, but is it worth the risk to my health in the long run. Having done this now for Thirty years, little hard to change careers for sure. Trucking is good, steady pay. Health Benefits, were now there is none. MUST be part of the decision. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life either. There is not much left of course, but that is not the point. Thom is now gone 17 months. I still miss him every day, love him as much as I did, and even when I remember how much of a pain in the ass he could be. He made life tough the last few months on everybody. When it was close to the end however, I think he knew what mattered, and who loved him. Yes it is selfish to want someone all things considered. I want someone there when it is my time to go. Strange thoughts for a 45 year old to be sure. Living this long with AIDS, my days are winding down and my body reminds me every day that the time grows near. Days come where taking on the world is to me a real possibility. Most times though, I fight to get to the end of the day. The road as always has been the salvation of  living. The freedom of the Blacktop, the miles of open road. Something of a Sanctuary to me. That too will end one day. There is not much else I can do except for some computer stuff, and lord knows I can cook. Wish I could parley that into a career even for a few years. YEA RIGHT!   Master tells me it will get better, for those that break the rules and lie and steal yes. For an Old school Leatherman like me, no chance. I believe in Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, and along side the ways of the Wolf, it is who I aspire to be. Strange how that my parents had to be kept in the Dark of that part of my journey, it was necessary.

     They have missed so much of my life and have no idea who I had become. My Sister and Brother…Strangers. I know the names of their Children, but do not know them. How sad. Eric is the one I worry about the most when I do think of him. He has no idea what this life is like when your cut off from family. I do. He is doing this on purpose, his own design. He will pay later. Nicole has tried but she has her life with Brian and her children. Brian and I definitely had our issues in our younger days. He has shown himself to be a man of character, Honor,and faith. He adores my sister and takes wonderful care of her. She does the same to him. I am so proud of them both, especially Nicole. I will not be missed when the time comes that I know. Just one day I hope they read this and realize how much I respect what they have, as well as have accomplished together. I hope that their life together is long, healthful, and full of Joy and laughter always.  I am proud of Eric as well but know so little that I will write on that I am proud of what he has made of himself. Well done. That is if for now. More could go here but that will happen in time. The writing will become more often, and longer at times shorter at others but all to put to paper so that maybe one day someone if not me, can make sense of the existence of mine. It sure is not a life. I hope that one day I can look back like the Velveteen Rabbit and know I was real.  Small Dream but there all I have left

Tampa is such a nice city. Somewhat clean and easy to get around in. However, it can also be cold and lonely even more so than that empty house of mine. Jason walks out and despite the relief I fell on one hand, I feel rejection like never before. When Thom died there was finality. We saw through to the end together, and as he wanted it, in his terms. Jason walks out to an ex and leads me to think (know) it was more than being a trucker’s partner. His ex makes more money, bigger home in a gated community, and freedom to play as he wants. That hurts more than if we fought all the time, or if we truly did not like each other. Thousand sin rent and car repairs, a new phone. Spending money and Cigarettes as he needed them. WOW what a fool I was for believing again in Life. SO be it. To face him that Sunday night full suppression of my emotions seemed needed. SURPRISE, my mind had already done it, this time I think for good. Who the hell needs them anyway? I find them interfering in normal operations of a day. Getting in the way of Logic and reason for a “feeling” that is nothing more than an illusion of our own creation. If they never come back…….GREAT! Who the hell needs them.

  The road is not much of a companion this trip. The road is still home and a true companion to me, it is the down time that gets me. So much time to think, re-think, and think some more. Jason, naturally consumed a lot of that time. Well that is now over and done and the “feelings” have been buried. As they should be. So the road has again brought me the peace I need in it’s usual way, HARD REALITY! He left me for perceived greener grass. Good luck and God Speed Jason. May life be kinder to you than it, and you were to me.  

  The ”some would say” darker side of my being has been allowed to surface. There it will stay. My Black Wolf will now run things as it most likely always should have.

Once more onto the Breech

Seems like just as life has started again, she bitch slaps me hard. Jason the one I wrote about before, just walked out on me Sunday. How nice 1200.00 in rent and moving. A new $400.00 phone, Furniture, he of course took with him, and a piece of me as well. Let us not forget making sure to be there on his Birthday, and cook for him as well. I believed him when he said he loved me. The phone bill reads otherwise. His Ex is the one who came to get him 28 hours after he told me he was having second thoughts. Thanks!  For knowing someone as long as I have how could I have been played so badly? Feeling as I did for him, was that what he used to his advantage? Did he truly love me and mean it when he said he could not be a trucker’s mate? I will most likely never know. Within the first day, e-mail change, phone number change, and drops of the grid. He thinks anyway. I go thte number the address and if needed the numbers to his family and his ex at work home and Mobile. Nice to have High Friends in low places. Let him back out on his promise of repaying for the phone. I will have it fried by remote. It is mine after all. Strangely, I am doing OK. I think that part of me that is the Wolf knew it was coming and shielded me from the coming hurt by not letting me fully connect to him. Yes, he collared me, told me it was for good and that he would ALWAYS take care of me. So much for words. I am once again single and alone in what seems like a big house. The new to me 5^th wheel is fully in my name so no worries there. The one he had to live in an “find himself” in. I guess in finding himself, he also found the strength to leave me. He says he wants to stay friends. Well he sure made sure I could not reach him very quickly after he left. Like I did not know that would happen. So be it.

   The road is once again the only constant in my life as far as steady and consistent normal in my life. Since Thom died in June 2010, it was all I had till Jason. Jason showed me without question I will never have another Thom, and the road is where my life belongs, for good. I will drive until I cannot. Be it health or age if Ilive that long. AIDS may see to that sooner than I will admit but screw it! I am already so far ahead of the game it is not funny. Doctor’s said I would not live to see the year 2000. OOPS!  Guess they misread the expiration date, like they always do. Would be nice to have a dog again, a species that knows what loyalty means. Unless I drive truck again or retire from the road it will not be a good idea for the Dog.  Life goes on and so do I, until the day I return to sky, ti the Rainbow Bridge as my first rest, and me those dogs that loved me best.