BUSY BUSY BUSY

WOW things have been really going strong and hard these past days, COOL BEANS. I am really enjoying this work and ti has helped my mental health as well. I love the road and I always will. I am finding I am fight the virus better by having something to fight for. It is defenetly still there. The pain is as usall there and gets me done ,but it is something I have also learned to live with, and I am "living" with it. Tom is stil and iffy thing on some areas. Apperently a freind called him a whore and he was not happy. Things have gotten better but he is still making me worried. I am just staying the course and letting him decided where to go. Then  will know what to do. Right now I an sure he fact I out earn him again has his ego a little bruised but, I remind him HE carried the house while I was sick. I could not have dome it with  out him. So of I go to OZ again to sleep and enjoy a night at home. Grad nights start tomorrow . GAWD long night ahead, butI am not copaining.

One of the advantages of travel, is that I get to see family and cool places. I got to see cousins in West Palm,then go to the Georgia Aquarium, then catch a spectacular sunset on the Gulf coast. Kinda neet huh? makes you forget that I am sick all the time. God has a funny way of reminding you it is not just about you. Like family,friends, and the appriciation of  all he has made. Nice thoughts that mabye there is more after thislife. Gotta love it

Getting ready again

Getting ready for another trip. Here it is Thursda night and time to roll again. How appropriate that Ronnie is singing Prisomer of the Highway, drivin on by my restless soul, imprisoned by the feeling of the road. I truly am. I find I am not the same when I am "released from that prison". The road is who and what I am. AIDS keeps trying to take it from me. I seem to keep winning . The battles get harder each time and I am getting tired of it. I feel like I wish one of us would finally just WIN!! I hope it is me of course but damn this gets harder every day. Th constant pain,drugs for taking a shit, to eat to keep my blood pressure UP. The shots and the constant looking in the mirror knowing one day the reaper ,looking back wil not say "not today". The road reminda me I am truly free, that I am alive and that God does exist. All you have to do is look at creation and know, HE is alive and well. I find peace in that the world goes on. I have neices and nephews to carry on the name, and remember that I walked this earth at one point. I hope they rememer me when I have to pass to whatever waits on the other side for me. And there is the otherside, of this I know. Live your life as though today was the last in it. Plan for tomorrow, but live live live. Things can happin so quick it is scary. Trust me on that. AIDS teaches you this first hand.

Getting better?

Well things maybe looking up. I guess the latest round of he is not sure has been a prolonged panic attack. I hope. He sems to have calme down since I have made very aware that Yes taxes on house have been paid, morgage is OK and the truck and car payments are OK. Especially with me working my skills again. He panics when it looks like we might not be able to hold on to these thingds. He relizes that he has a choise if I stop working(die) he looses it all and he most likly doesnot like that. Neither would I. I am worried because he has had all the symtoms of a small stroke. The Dr. has scheduled him for a whole battery of tests. I am hoping that theyfind nothing more than the usall AIDS problems. We willdeal with what happens when it does. As always time to just wait and see....again.When do I get  live MY life for a change. I seem to be living other for them. Oh well just being bitchy I guess, I am a bit of  a drama queen sometimes. I should just shut up now and face whatever life throws at me. My life or others.

Well as the pictures show I am traveling very heavy. the first is the train in Stone Moutain Park GA. The second in  the Cyclorama in Atlanta. Three is of course NYC and the fourth is the Cape. Tell the truth driving is my peace and my serenity. Today was no exeption.It feels good to command a big bus or truck. Feels like I am finally in control of something in my life. So today was a good day for sure. By the way 2 photos are fake and made by illusion, any ideas? NYC is a sound stage on universal studios lot in Orlando, so is the Shuttle.

I guess it is.....WHAT???

How appropriate that this song is playing. One of the lines goes" I could get my hands to another line of work,but y heart will always be behind the whell...I am a Prisoner of the Highway". I  am not sure now where I stand at all. He told me yesterday he had numbness and tingling on his left side and felt dizzy. I asked if he called 911 or had work take hi to the hospital, he of course said no. Today when I called he acted like I was an acuantaince at work and said I am fine and dropped the subject and ended the call quick. Last night my first time home in days, a trick called the house, and he mad no effort to hide it. In fact he said( me sitting next to him) I am to tired right now, and I have to get up early. Shortly there after, I went to bed, he did to. I asked for a back scatch and i got the back scracther. WOW how nice...not. I just wanted his touch. If he is thinking of doing something I wish to hell he would make uphis mind. I am almost feeleing, no I am feeling, like he is upset I got better and back on the road. He has no idea how that makes me feel. On top of it he does not have a clue to how much money I cashed in to save the house and truck and keep food on the table. I toataled it the other day for kicks, over ^^$%R%E$^ 83,000 that used to be my retirement. Oh well I knew  would never be rich, but I thought I would have someone to share my life with rich or poor. Again it is Oh well, and I am just the back seat.......PAr for the course.

Well now I know

Well they say better to know than not. Ihave at least a round about way of now I know. Tom was on the phone with me and telling me how a mutal freind things that we are having trouble. He says he is letting Mic think that, but actions speak louder than words. Even close freinds are having there doughts. I am strangly comfortable with this. I will at least if nothing else I have a railer and the road, and for now peace of mind if the shoe finally drops. I will let him make any move if there is one to make. I do relize that my instincts will rule me evnetually and I will always be there for him and always when needed. That of course is based on if the feelings are true. If not then there is nothing to worry about except for this sex adddiction. That wether or not the other stuff was going on is still there and I have to deal with it. Well I am  on the road again and it is brining me comfort, and peace of mind as it always has.So time to roll and chill behind the wheel of 39,000 lbs of tranqulizer.

Ok I guess

Well I am sitting in a hotel room as usall for these days. I do mis my truck on nights like this. It was atruck I was sleeping in, but it was my space and my bed every night. My clothes in there own place and my food in the fridge I am still feeling like I am on my own again. I really have no reason to but I do. We shall see what happens. I find I am ambivilent to this whole situation. That can be good or bad. I do not know yet. Wait and see I guess. I am stil finding myself looking at my life real hard and find I still have one mistake that I am having trouble dealing with. Not telling that special man how I really felt, and how I still feel. Even worse I am still afraid to be that honest with him and I should not be. IN Orlando tonight and remebering how nice it was with Tom on the road with me for those years. I really hope it happens again. I just for now feel like a roomate more than a Huswolf. I guess I am just feeling lonly in a crowded room type thing. Well time for bed