an answer .......dear God may it not be this one

I am fearing the fact I may have an answer to why the behavior of Tom has been as such. I have had my turn with this damn virus for the past year and half. I fear it may be Toms turn to face this and now I know why he has been over doing it. We shall see and I know that it would mean he juat cannot be with just one, but I hope I am wrong. I hope the behavior of late is because he is just him. Not because he is comensating that he may not be able to soon. It is amazing how this damn diease can affect every aspect of ones life, and those around them. Again I hope I am very very very wrong and that he is OK and not about to face an episode. Please God not him he has been through enough in his life, his first bought, his MOm's cancer and death. Then my almost passing away..twice. We shall see I guess.

 

Who am I...Really who

I really wonder why I am here. I have not left any mark any where at best as I have been called..just another aids riddled faggot, or like tonight, a FUCKING Redneck. I acualy responded to that with" better a Redneck than an opioniated ass like yourself. One of the first derogatory comment in a while I took as a compliment. I am proud of the fact I am a simple person and enjoy simple life. I am still just a soul here till I die. Nothng special or remarkable. Here I sit after 7 years and think mabye I am really alone after all. I thought I had a life, no who knows. Phone call again says he cares and loves me, actions one day also the next day another. Damn it was easier being alone. I do have on true regret though from the past years. Not telling a very xpecial man how I felt, and what "I" wanted. If I had who knows were I might be now. But that is aroad I did not follow because I was worried for him to make sure he did better than someone like me. Now I sit back and look and say yeah, he did better, but I still regret not tellin him how I felt and how much beyound love I feel for him. WHo knows mabye in the next world or life if I have to come back here I will get it right. IN this life I am ment for other thngs and can only pray I am doing the job I  ma supposed to, and doing it well. I long to be touched, not sex, but held and hugged, and caressed kindly. I miss that and need it so much. I have become more onto myself lately as the lone WOlf in me returns to protect me. I need him by my side to keep me sane. I also know why I fel better around animals that humans, they get me, and i them. Damn I feel so I don't know lonely in acrowded room. Shit, I just want to be loved for who I am. SOmetimes this world sucks. If not for those special few I would have checked out of this hotel a long time ago(LIFE,,,,, no one gets out alive)

Just Perfect....YEah right!

I am now pretty sure that I am just an ends to a means and the time has come to run as a lone Wolf again. I made a point of having "fun" with Tom and as tired as I was from driving all night, I think I did real good. Well, last night before I left for Fayeteville, he lef me at the house and went to play. NOt so bad except he went with a friend. Nice huh? Well I just rested, after all I had a 600 mile Drive to start at mid night. SO here I am in my hotel getting ready to sleep, feeling a little loopy as well. I sit here as I have many times..Alone. I am not upset or surprised. I am just letting myself become How I always become. A seperate loner fron the pack. I will jus breeze in and out and keep myself the Home Base I have made for me. My safe Place. THis is only for me now. Strange I am not upset or angry anymore, jus...quiet

I have no idea where to turn

I am really conflicted now. AMazing how one phine call can really set you off into so many diffrent emotions all at the same time. Primarly Panic. I am begining to belive the fear that I do not know where I stand at home. Here I am in Williamsburg 900 miles from home, and wondering if I can go back. If Jake and Fozz were with me I probley would not fo a while and see how it plays out. I love the truck and can live on it and run the house from te computer. God knows I have the software to do it. Here I sit having a late lunch a 600 mile drive coming and I am worried about everything but hte road. Damnit I have got to get my head straight in the next hour. I have 54 lives in my hands that are counting on my skills Trucking all I had to worry about was if the damn load shifted. This time it is PEOPLE not hings I have to remember I am carrring. I know I will get my head on straight I always do. I just cannot keep this up. He will havr to accept I cannot always run thehouse from 1000 miles out or be anywhere in Taly in 5 min flat to do something. I almost feel like I am imposing when asking for shopping help or the such. Oh well, such is and has been my life. Time to work for a living to kep him happy.... truth be told, on the road I am keeping me happy

Feeling conflicted

As I sit getting ready for a nice nap, Long drive tonight, I amfeeling worried. THe picyure says it all, it is my first and best skill. I enjoy busses and the groups I work with, however there is a lot of sitting and waiting. Trucks your moving more. Both have there ups and Yes the downs. Right now the best is what I am doing now to see if my body can handle the road again. SO far so good. Having AIDS has it's problems on the road. All the questions such as, what if I get sick in the road, how well can I eat,can I get meds if needed in a hurry. THe most important thing is a company that when I say I have to go home, they send me that way. These are worries that any driver would have, but being POZ makes me hyper aware of it. As it should be. THe other factor is my hubby. He is so good to me in many ways and naturally drives me crazy in others. I can only hope he understands that what I do I do Better than most. That is not being consited, I have the 2.5 millon miles to prove it. So as long as I can drive I WILL HAVE FOOD AND HOUSE AND CLOTHING. IT has been good to me, hard but good. I would never recomend this way of life to anyone. It takes a special breed to run the roads. The Iron Cowboy if you will. The Wolf who does not need the pack to run. IT is lonly, long mile, and faces you oly see once then there gone. Close friends are rare. Friends eho are your fanily are rare as a perfect Diamond. SO to you again those I call family, I hope you know what that means coming from me. So the road is who I am and what I am, it found me and I have been saved by those long miles many times. Yes, I have been beaten up by it, but it is all I know. Even flying planes like I did for a few years is the same thing, just the road is in the sky. A lone Wolf I am and I guess I will always be. To you the other REAL wolf in my life, yes you Boston, You are another Lone WOlf that has had life beat you hard, I am now and always the other Wolf you can run with here, or in the next world. Mabye when it is our times, Jake,Fozz-E, Misha, and Sebastian will run with us as our own pack. I belive we can, and hope that GOD will let us.

A nice day

I have had a good day here in Williamsburg, I love the idea of watching people learn and see new things. The only thing I had forgotten is how much like pigs people can bewhen on a bus. How they are so willing to live in there own trash amazes me. I mean even if there sitting in the back of the bus, and so not want ot use the bucket on the wall, there is the one up front only 40 feet away. LOL I had forgoten that. They are really funny that way, but it is still fun.

Interesting Day to say the least

Well the good news is that Jake is doing so much better. He is even running now. The medication is working real good for him and he is bouncing around like he is a puppy. I am in Williamsburg, Va. The weather is absoulutly beautiful today. It will be cold to me only 50 for the high. THe group is in Presidents Park then off to Colonial Williamsburg later. Should be a nice day all in all. The group this time is rambuncious and a bit loud but hey there kids. THe good new today for me is that my baby (Jake) is doing so much better and feeling like himself. He is so cute and I love him so much as he has been through so much. That is it for now.

Jake better,relitivly

The lazy puppy is doing a little better. He can walk again, but not really well. The back end and front end do not agree on which way to go. It was funny at the vet. He wanted to go to the truck the backend went somewhere else. He is resting at my feet right now on a futon pillow. Tom slept with him last night. He is doing better but I am naturaly worried and very concerned. Even Fozz-E is hovering around like a nurse. I love him so much. The first time aids tried to take me he slept on my chest every night for a week till he felt I could sleep without his help. He is my percious little one. I have to go toWilliamsburg today for a week. If it was not for the fact Tom is here, I would never had taking this job. I am hoping I can get back into trucking agian so they can go with me, Even Jake as he is ould love it. I would just have to helphim in and out of the truck. I pray God gives me the wisdom to know when to let him go when the time comes. I went through the trouble after all of making a living will so I do not become a Terri Schivo. I hope I would not do the same to Jake or to Fozz-E. Things with Tom are not at the top right now. we are both worried about Jake. We shall see how things play out. Story of my life after all.

Why me!

The picture are of just one of the dogs. Jake is in the Hospital, he canot walk. He came in Friday night from the back yard limping. By last night he could only pull himself on his front legs. Last night I slept with him in the living room. this morning I took him out, and all he did was lay there. So of to the vet and he is there now. I hope this lets him know I am thinking of him. The past 10 years have been so good. He has been through a lot with me. I love my baby.

Amazed at People

Well I am once again amazed how diffrent we can be, and still relate to each other. Tallahassee Democrat has had several articles relating to Gay Adoption. The flavor of the month for polititions this year. There we also manyletters to the editor on the subject. The usall Yahoos for this area wish death to all Gays and "AIDS CARYING FAGGOTS" that are here to kill kids. Most I am glad to say were acually though out and could lead to real intelligent debate on this issue. I also put in my two cents worth and got some death to fag responses but also more than those real insightful comments. Mabye Just mabye, there is hope for the human race. I wonder. Even if we (Gay People)can have children, I doubt I will be one. Having Full Blown AIDS, how cruel would it be for me to adopt, knowing I could die on that Child. I also know there is no certainty in life. This however is a known. Mabye someday.. I still would love a child to carry my  name. SIGHH. FOr those that do not hae The ilustious publication that is the Tallahassee Democrat, here is what I wrote.                              

 Debate over adoption
by gays gives hope

As a gay male in a committed relationship of more than seven years, I have considered children of my own. I usually tell people I am incapable of having children and let them come to their own conclusions. Those who know me are very aware that it is because of certain attitudes that I have not pursued having children.

I am seeing Tallahassee's people surprise me again: They are engaged in real debate over this issue from both sides. This has given me hope that maybe one day I can have a child and we can share our lives with him or her and watch while the bumps and scrapes of life get to them. The best part of being there will be to say, “We have been there and this is what we did to resolve it.” I know it won't be easy or perfect.

That is what my partner and I want for us and a child who needs a loving home - not to indoctrinate that child. I look back and see we have been together longer than some of my “straight” friends who were married. So much for stable homes that way. What children need more than anything is aplace to go to and feel safe.

Another day another wait in a prking lot

The one down side to being on the road as a bus driver is all the down time. In trucking you are always on the move and busy by comparision.. to busy. I find out that as I look back on my life (lots of time think waiting) I am truly a flash into most people lives. There are true definate expetions. Bruce,Matt,Will,Alice,Jessi and Cathy. It goes without saying Tom I hardly think that 7 and half years is a flash. Bruce especially has hit my life hard right from the start, in a good and special way. I know he is always there as I can feel his presence all the time. I think, check that I know I am still here in many ways because and for him. I have never met anyone like him execept one. He is not mantioned in the list beccause he has passed and watches me from the othe side. Rest well Casey. These so few that have been i my life for so long I owe more than I can ever repay. Tom of course I have no idea what is going on latky, but I am sure we will work it out. He is me and I him in so many ways. Well time to go for a walk and think somemore. Always a dangerous thing to do LOL. Bruce on that list I truly hold you on the top, OUrs is a realshionship beyound life itself and I thank God for you

The road is to long

I have heard that if you travel far enough you will meet yourself. I have and I am not thrilled. I have run headon to many of my lives and persons in the past weeks. I now know what I have felt is true, Aids was supposed to happen and as I feared, I am not to have stable long term anything. I am surprised at the seven years I have had already in this life. I take comfort in this, I have left an impression on those I have touched some good some bad, but always who I was and am

What thehell is gong on

All of a sudden I am having a full blown panic attack. I wish I knew why. I felt like something went through me and just chilled me to the core. I called the Cadillac and all is well there Tom is OK but I am getting worse as the hour goes on and I am going out of my mind. I am just hoping that it passes soon, I am beging to feel my heart and blood flowing, BP must be off the scale right now. THis from a person who is normaly 80 or less on the high number. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but something has or will happen soon. I hope with as strong as this feels I AM DEAD WRONG. usally though when this strong I am not. I acually feel the need to run so powerful but to where I do not know or right now CARE.

All in all not bad

Well today is a day off then some local work for the week. Goverment is in session here and for the next 6 weeks. This weekend I go to Alabama for a trip to the Shakespere Festival. I hope this year they are doing the Taming of the SHrew or Macbeth.I love those most of all. Dad and Mom are on the way down from up North. Dad of course is a southerner Mom a Yankee, wow was growing up weird. Of the three kids I am the only one who embrased and now live the southern way right down to were I live. I know a lot of people think Florida is not Southern, However I DO NOT AND WILL not live in Orlando Miami Or that area, especiall West Palm down. All that is is NEw York City with HEat. YUCK! I live in the Big Bend area. So far across we call it L.A. Lower Alabama. I love it here and enjoy the small city we have, although it sems to begrowing way to fast for me. Well that is it for now time for shots and and pills YEAH..

Ah The road is a good place for me

Amazing things you see on the road Huh? Well the Aquarium was really neat and a lot of fun. Cannot believe the way it was set up. In one area you sat in front of a 5 story tall wall of glass at the bottom of a 6,000,000 gallon tank and over you as well. It was incredible. Left me wondering who was on display the fish and others or the HUmansl  The group for some reason wanted to go the long way which it hard for us( 2 driver move) to not run over our driving hours for the day. It got close I had all of 10 min when I got back to the barn. The situation was helped by the rush hour arriveal.  That made traffic in Atlanta real tough. But it is all in a days work as the saying goes. Things with the other half are not getting better. Now the tricks just show up at the house . I don't even know there coming. NICE. Well I am in Jacksonville today and lovng life watchng a LaCross game. good sport.

FINALLY SOMETHING NEW

Well finally something new. I get to go to the New Atlanta Aquariam. I have not been to Atlanta with enough time to go see it yet. THis time I have the time and get PAID to do it. I am hoping that it lives up to the hype in the press. I have heard that it does but the proof will be in the pudding. So as I say, What does History hold....turn the page. So to OZ we go

Wow I have been almost to Honest

I am surprised I actually have done what I set out to do with this Journal. I really have been brutally Honest about how and What I feel. I guess the friend was right if you cannot talk to others than find a way to talk to yourself. So it looks like this works I really have to sit back after and read and realize that I do have some problems but as long as I admit to myself I do and they are real I should be OK. I have also made a very surprising discovery, something I have know,but was afraid to admit. THe love of someone I had no idea was as strong as it is or as transcendent. The deepness scares me, but I find true comfort in the peace just knowing he is there gives me. Strange it is not the one who shares my bed who achived this one time only bond. I had given up thinking I would ever have that kind of relasionship. Turns out I do. Just not the way I though. May God always watch over him and keep him safe. TIme to get the dogs out for a bit, the air is warm skyy is bright and my pack needs a good walk, The elder and myself especially. To bad only the elder can hang his head out the window.

Another Day ends

I find myself coming face to face,literally, with part of myself that sometimes makes others real nervous. The part that gets animals. I mean I really understand them. I was forced to really look at how I interact with them today. I wound up on the Front Yard when this Dog ran up and strarted jumping on me and playing, being real freindly. The owner ran up horrified thinking the dog was attacking me until SHe heard me laughing. THe resaonshe assumed he was hurting me was he usally does attack other people inorder to protect Her. I then remembered why I am called wolf by those who know me. Has to do with A real wolf I met years ago during a retreat to an indian Reservation. I do relate to animals better than humans, and those few people I do like and relate to have the same gift. As this day ends and again he is taken care of and I am not. it is time I take the advice f one of those people 'WORRY ABOUT YOU< BE SELFISH FOR A CHANGE" I think I will. I just wish I had him to run with. I need him and love him so much,more than I do myself. God i miss you ore thatn I ever have, you are me and I hope I am you. I love you so much and always will. May you always be in my life.

Time to RUn?

I once again find myself facing a decision. I feel like I need to disapear for a while. I mean like I used to, just go , no notes ,phone nothing. It has gottten to the point he invites them over while I am here as though I am not. I left this time to get the hell out and he called wondering where I was, after he was done of course. about an hour later. It is my own damn fault I think it is time or the Wolf to leave this oack for a while and just once again run. I wish I could run with a WOlf I love, but I ruined that a while ago because I did not speak my mind, I can still hope he would though. It is what keeps me whole

Calming down still

Well I sit here and I think. That happens a lot when you are on the road. As I remembered it can be good or bad. I find mself still in panic attack mode for some reason. I need to talk to someone, but someone who knows me as me and not just rying to say what I want to hear. Unfortantly I am to far from the people who would do just that. Computers are nice and so is the phone, but nothing like face to face. I feel as though I need to runaway for a while. NOrmal in a Panic attack. Just Where should I go. Ah well my mind at work again. It haunts me and e without my sleeping pills. Mabye a Good strong Kalhua with milk. I think I just need time to let this run it course and see what I need to do with a level head.

on ther road again THANK GOD!!

I am so calm today because I was able to swap my Day run for an overnite trip. Being on the road is good for me because I feel at peace. I love what I do and I am good at it. I say this to myself because otherwise it sounds like I am bragging my butt off. So When I have a group or am in ABIg Rig, I let my skills behind the wheel speak for themselves. Well speaking of that time to watch white lines go by.

asnd so it goes

Well still having the attack I I really need to try and get some sleep. I hope I can

 

PANIC ALERT

I fund myself going through a really strong panic atack and have no idea why. I am concerned for the main reason I find this one really strong and very hard to control. I cannot sleep, eat right even find myself going into meditation so hard I jumped out of my skin when Fozz-E rubbed up against me. Jake(my other fuzzy) Has gone throught his before and just looks at me like get your shit together! I seem to have so much going on at once. THe all or nithing syndrome. There is an old saying "if you travel far enough.. you will meet yourself" I am having that sort of experiance. A man who I loved and loveds me but had a scipt of life I did not has become the man I always knew he was. He is beautiful, strong and not letting life hit him down and keep him there. One other who is now relizing I never said to him anything I did not mean, has become again part of my life. Through them I see myself and wonder could I have been better. I am at a point of something big. I feel as though my old curse is about to reapear, meet someone get to know them, then loose them, by unreal or unknow events to come. I hope not. I am tired of it and really lonley. I have few friends I call family so few I only need 1 hand to count and have room left. I need them more than they relize, and I love them so much,that I do not know how to tell them. I only hope they know. SHould I ever loose them, I will truly have nothing

New Month and Old Concerns

Once again I find old fears lurking in the coners and me in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I do not mind these gifts I have but they have grown so powerful I fear I may not learn to keep them controled. The one that bothers me most is the distance I can now achive. THe accuracy is even better. I will one day know why I can do this but I hope it is soon. It will ahppen when it is supposed to, or when I want it to. It is to the point I now talk aloud to the house and it worries my partner because the house is responding, andhe knws it. LOL He almost left theother night because of it. Now that I am home again it has been quiet. What does history hold.. turn the page