I have without question have had better days in the past. Today is better than most but still, to much time here at the house.  Tomorrow at oh my God Early I am off to Orlando for the day. Then Friday I am overnight  to Orlando. So far ,Sunday and Monday off.  That is not a good thing for me. Time has come to seriously re-think a whole lot of things. Job, Life, this house, and all that goes with it. Hell, I think it is time to reconsider even ties with family. I am acknowledged if needed, and left alone if not. This has gotten old beyond belief.

      The hard part of the job thing is not whether or not trucking can help, but is it worth the risk to my health in the long run. Having done this now for Thirty years, little hard to change careers for sure. Trucking is good, steady pay. Health Benefits, were now there is none. MUST be part of the decision. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life either. There is not much left of course, but that is not the point. Thom is now gone 17 months. I still miss him every day, love him as much as I did, and even when I remember how much of a pain in the ass he could be. He made life tough the last few months on everybody. When it was close to the end however, I think he knew what mattered, and who loved him. Yes it is selfish to want someone all things considered. I want someone there when it is my time to go. Strange thoughts for a 45 year old to be sure. Living this long with AIDS, my days are winding down and my body reminds me every day that the time grows near. Days come where taking on the world is to me a real possibility. Most times though, I fight to get to the end of the day. The road as always has been the salvation of  living. The freedom of the Blacktop, the miles of open road. Something of a Sanctuary to me. That too will end one day. There is not much else I can do except for some computer stuff, and lord knows I can cook. Wish I could parley that into a career even for a few years. YEA RIGHT!   Master tells me it will get better, for those that break the rules and lie and steal yes. For an Old school Leatherman like me, no chance. I believe in Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, and along side the ways of the Wolf, it is who I aspire to be. Strange how that my parents had to be kept in the Dark of that part of my journey, it was necessary.

     They have missed so much of my life and have no idea who I had become. My Sister and Brother…Strangers. I know the names of their Children, but do not know them. How sad. Eric is the one I worry about the most when I do think of him. He has no idea what this life is like when your cut off from family. I do. He is doing this on purpose, his own design. He will pay later. Nicole has tried but she has her life with Brian and her children. Brian and I definitely had our issues in our younger days. He has shown himself to be a man of character, Honor,and faith. He adores my sister and takes wonderful care of her. She does the same to him. I am so proud of them both, especially Nicole. I will not be missed when the time comes that I know. Just one day I hope they read this and realize how much I respect what they have, as well as have accomplished together. I hope that their life together is long, healthful, and full of Joy and laughter always.  I am proud of Eric as well but know so little that I will write on that I am proud of what he has made of himself. Well done. That is if for now. More could go here but that will happen in time. The writing will become more often, and longer at times shorter at others but all to put to paper so that maybe one day someone if not me, can make sense of the existence of mine. It sure is not a life. I hope that one day I can look back like the Velveteen Rabbit and know I was real.  Small Dream but there all I have left